For the
week of 17 January 2021
"I'm sick of following
my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."
-Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 10 January 2021
"In Washington
journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living."
- P. J. O'Rourke
For the week of 3 January 2021
"Your
diligence is setting an example for all of us-stop it!"
- Neal Stephenson
For the week of 27 December
2020
"I've learned that you can tell a lot
about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
- Maya Angelou
For the week of 20 December 2020
"You know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger."
-Robert Paul
For the week of 13 December 2020
"There are
many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we
all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter."
- Bat Masterson
For the week of 6 December 2020
"If all
economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion."
- George Bernard Shaw
For the week of 29 November
2020
"Historians are like deaf people who go on answering
questions that no one has asked them."
- Leo Tolstoy
For the week of 22 November 2020
"A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She
asked the stock boy ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, ‘No they're dead.' "
- Damien Fahey
For the week of 15 November 2020
"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
- Milton Berle
For the week of 8 November 2020
"It's
important to watch what you eat, at least until you get it inside your mouth. After that it becomes pretty disgusting."
- Dave Barry
For the week of 1 November 2020
"A
citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election."
- Bill Vaughan
For the week of 25 October 2020
"Weekends
don't pay as well as weekdays but at least there's football."
-S.A. Sachs
For the week of 18 October
2020
"The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the
day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron."
- Phyllis Diller
For the week of 11 October 2020
"Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!"
- Steve Martin
APOLOGIES FOR DELAYS due to IT issues - catching up now
For the week of 4 October 2020
"Prediction
is very difficult, especially about the future"
- Niels Bohr
For the week of 27 September 2020
"I
am only human, although I regret it."
- Mark Twain
For the week of 20 September 2020
"I
wish to thank my parents for making it all possible. And I wish to thank my children for making it necessary."
- Victor Borge
For the week of 13 September 2020
"Setting a good example for
children takes all the fun out of middle age."
- William Feather
For the week of 6 September 2020
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
For the week of 30 August 2020
"Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering."
- Marilyn
vos Savant
For the week
of 23 August 2020
"A balanced diet is a cookie in
each hand."
- Barbara Johnson
For
the week of 16 August 2020
"If you are sending
someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?"
- Steven Wright
For the week of 9 August 2020
"Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "- Emo Philips
For the week of 2 August 2020
"No man
goes before his time-unless the boss leaves early."
- Groucho Marx
For the week of 26 July 2020
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan
For
the week of 19 July 2020
"Having no earthly
clue where I'm heading, I'm never lost."
- Mary Shannon
For the week of 12 July 2020
"If you
trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent
their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy."
- Terry Pratchett
For the week of 5 July 2020
"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
- W. C. Fields
For the week of 28 June 2020 (Sorry
for the delay, IT issues)
"You know you're getting
old when the candles cost more than the cake."
- Bob Hope
For the week of 21 June 2020
"Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard."
- Margaret Culkin Banning
For the week of
14 June 2020
"Once I pulled a job, I was so
stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
- Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 7 June 2020
"Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children."
- Sam Levenson
For the week of 31 May 2020
"The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion."
- Fred Allen
For the week of 24 May 2020
"I don't
believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."
- Arthur C. Clarke
For the week of 17 May 2020
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus!
This cup is expensive!' " - Conan O'Brien
For the week of 10 May 2020
"When my
kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out."
- Erma Bombeck
For the week of 3 May 2020
"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."
- Oscar Wilde
For the week of 26 April 2020
"My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop."
- Bill Murray
For the week of 19 April 2020
"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side."
- Stuart Turner
For the week of 12 April 2020
"It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's
the time to do it."
- Navjot Singh Sidhu
For
the week of 5 April 2020
"You know, somebody
actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' "
- Tommy Cooper
For the week of 29 March 2020
"Nothing motivates a man's actions like a strict ban."
- Andrzej Majewski
For the week of 22 March 2020
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
- Doug
Larson
For the week of 15 March
2020
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
- Miles Kington
For the week of 8 March 2020
"I can't
complain, but sometimes I still do."
- Joe Walsh
For the week of 1 March 2020
"I dream
of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
- Ralph Waldo
Emerson
For the week of 23 February
2020
"The best measure of a man's honesty
isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
- Arthur C. Clarke
For the week of 16 February 2020
"What have future generations ever done for us?"
- Groucho Marx
For the week of 9 February 2020
"It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for
political ads."
- Andy Borowitz
For the week of 2 February 2020
"Never
judge a book by its movie."
-JW Eagan
For the week of 26 January 2020
"If
you think your boss is stupid, remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter."
- Albert Grant
For
the week of 19 January 2020
"What's another
word for Thesaurus?"
- Steven Wright
For the week of 12 January 2020
"If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else."
- Ann Landers
For the week of 5 January 2020
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've
got it made."
- Groucho Marx
For the week of 29 December 2019
"Never
have more children than you have car windows."
- Erma Bombeck
For the week of 22 December 2019
"I
bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different
print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
- Steven Wright
For the week of 15 December 2019
"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
- Steven Wright
For the week of 8 December 2019
"I never said most of the things I said."
- Yogi Berra
For the week of 1 December 2019
"I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already."
- Jerry Lewis
For the
week of 24 November 2019
"A day without sunshine
is like, you know, night."
- Steve Martin
For the week of 17 November 2019
"Skiing
combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
- Dave Barry
For the week of 10 November 2019
"This nation will remain the land of the free only as long as it is home of the brave."
- Elmer Davis
For the week of 3 November
2019
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to
have his head examined."
- Samuel Goldwyn
For the week of 27 October 2019
"I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood
kids."
-Robert Brault
For
the week of 20 October 2019
"One advantage of talking
to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening."
- Franklin P. Jones
For the week of 13 October 2019
"I never did very well in Math. I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers
literally."
- Calvin Marshall Trillin
For the week of 6 October 2019
"We are
all here on Earth to help others. What on Earth the others are here for I don't know."
- W.H. Auden
For the week of 29 September 2019
"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."
- Mark Twain
For the week of 22 September 2019
"There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need
a plan."
- Groucho Marx
For
the week of 15 September 2019
"To those of you
who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you too may one day
be President of the United States."
- George W. Bush
For the week of 8 September 2019
"Every
day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
- Robert Orben
For the week
of 1 September 2019
"I'm trying to read
a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."
- Jim Loy
For the week of 25 August 2019
"I'm
an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
For the week of 18 August 2019
"Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV."
- Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 11 August 2019
"The
best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
- Anne Bancroft
For the week of 4 August 2019
"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot
the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code. He turned himself
in."
- Rita Rudner
For the week
of 28 July 2019
"People often say that motivation
doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily."
-Zig Ziglar
For the week of 21 July 2019
"My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I throw angry
birds at pig houses."
- Bill Murray
For
the week of 14 July 2019
"If you let your head
get too big, it'll break your neck."
- Elvis Presley
For the week of 7 July 2019
"A
perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
For the week of the
Fourth of July
"America is a large friendly dog in
a small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair."
- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
For the week
of 23 June 2019
"Be thankful we're not getting
all the government we're paying for."
- Will Rogers
For the week of 16 June 2019
"Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really."
- Dave Barry
For the week
of 9 June 2019
"We've begun to long for
the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet."
- Rita Rudner
For the week of 2 June 2019 - 75th
Anniversary of D-Day, 6 June 1944
"Lieutenant
Welsh remembered walking around among the sleeping men, and thinking to himself that 'they had looked at and smelled death
all around them all day but never even dreamed of applying the term to themselves. They hadn't come here to fear. They
hadn't come to die. They had come to win.' "
- Stephen E. Ambrose
For the week of 26 May 2019
"All
men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."
- Red Skelton
For the week of 19 May 2019
"An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away."
- P. G. Wodehouse
For the
week of 12 May 2019
"I want my children to have
all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
-Phyllis Diller
For the week of 5 May 2019
"You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times."
- Ike Taylor
For the week of 28 April 2019
"In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not."
- Albert Einstein
For the
week of 21 April 2019
"Never slap a man who is chewing
tobacco."
- Will Rogers
For the week of 14 April 2019
"Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
- Jules Renard
For
the week of 7 April 2019
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
- Dick Cavett
For the week of 31 March 2019
"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
- George Jessel
For the week of 24
March 2019
"If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
- Dave Barry
For the week of 17 March 2019
"Why should
you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck."
- Daryl Stout
For the week of 10 March 2019
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,
‘Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
- Bruce Baum
For the week of 3 March 2019
"I'm
a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
- Michael McShane
For the week of 24 February 2019
"Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants."
-
Karl Lagerfeld
For the week
of 17 February 2019
"I'm paranoid. On my
stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror."
- Richard Lewis
For the week of 10 February 2019
"You
must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice."
- Sam Levenson
For the week
of 3 February 2019
"We all get heavier as we get
older because there's a lot more information in our heads."
- Vlade Divac
For the
week of 27 January 2019
"Expecting the world to treat
you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."
- Dennis Wholey
For the week
of 20 January 2019
"Take the first step in faith.
You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
For the week of 13 January 2019
"I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
- Mark Twain
For the week of 6 January 2019
"We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend
to be."
Kurt Vonnegut
For
the week of 30 December 2018
"New Year's Day
now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."
- Mark Twain
For
the week of 23 December 2018
"I will honor Christmas
in my heart, and try to keep it all the year."
- Charles Dickens
For the week of 16 December 2018
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a
book."
- Groucho Marx
For
the week of 9 December 2018
"I tried to throw a yo-yo
away. It was impossible."
- Mitch Hedberg
For
the week of 2 December 2018
"The most
remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has
never been found."
- Calvin Trillin
For
the week of 25 November 2018
"Aren't
we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?"
- Matt Groening
For the week of 18 November 2018
"Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving
I'm not a butterball turkey."
- Just Bill
For the week of 11 November 2018
Veterans Day,100th Anniversary of the end of World War I
"All of these things about America - the independent spirit; freedom and liberty to think, express, and act;
the promise of the potential for prosperity - have all been delivered to American citizens by our Founders and Framers, and
secured by American Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen." (And Marines.)
- Daniel Rundquist
For the week of 4 November 2018
"We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs."
- Will Rogers
For the week of 28 October 2018
"Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as
a piñata."
- Jim Samuels
For
the week of 21 October 2018
"I live in my own
little world. But its OK, they know me here."
- Lauren Myracle
For the week of 14 October 2018
"I've
never allowed my schooling to get in the way of my education."
- Mark Twain
For the week of 7 October 2018
"Politics
is developing more comedians than radio ever did."
- Jimmy Durante
For the week of 30 September 2018
"Acting
is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
- George Burns
For the week of 23
September 2018
"I have no desire to listen
to The Temptations. Which is kind of weird."
- Mitch
Hedberg
For the week of 16 September 2018
"My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September'
because it actually tells you something."
- Groucho Marx
For the week of 11 September 2018
"Those whose lives were lost on September 11 will remain in our thoughts and
prayers forever."
- Vito Fossella
For
the week of 2 September 2018
"You know what burns
me? Matches."
- Jay London
For
the week of 26 August 2018
"Be careful about
reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain
For the week of 19 August 2018
"Why
is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted."
- RD.com
For the week of 12 August 2018
"I have
been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough."
- Mark
Twain
For the week of 5 August 2018
"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."
- Emo Philips
For the week of 29 July 2018
"I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones."
- John Peel
For the week of 22 July 2018
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
- Will Rogers
For the week of 15 July 2018
"A nickel ain't worth a dime
anymore."
- Yogi Berra
For the week of 8 July 2018
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off."
- Ralph Bus
For the week of 31 June 2018
"Liberty means responsibility. That
is why most men dread it."
- George Bernard Shaw
For the week of 24 June 2018
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
-
Hubert Humphrey
For
the week of 17 June 2018
"Socialism
in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it"
- Dr. Thomas
Sowell
For the week of 10 June 2018
"When
angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
- Mark Twain
For the week of 3 June 2018
"Skim milk is just water lying about being milk."
- Ron Swanson
For the week of 27 May 2018 and Memorial Day
"Each of the patriots whom we remember on this day was
first a beloved son or daughter, a brother or sister, or a spouse, friend, and neighbor."
- George H. W. Bush
For the week of 20 May 2018
"The dark night of fascism is always descending in the United States - and yet lands only in Europe."
- Tom Wolfe
For the week of 13 May 2018 - Happy Mother's Day!
"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless
you are cheese."
- Luis Bunuel
For the week of 6 May 2018
"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
- George W. Bush
For
the week of 29 April 2018
"You have
seen me at my worst and stuck with me - and you've seen me at my best and chuckled in disbelief."
- General Eric Shinseki, addressing his wife at his 2003 retirement
from the US Army
For the week of 22 April 2018
"If
you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out."
- Lawrence Ferlinghetti
For the week of 15 April 2018
"Always
go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
- Yogi Berra
For the week of 8 April 2018
"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
- Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of April Fools 2018
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid
comes easy."
- Albert Einstein
For the week of 25 March 2018
"If you cannot answer a man's
argument, all is not lost. You can still call him vile names."
- Elbert Hubbard
For the week of 18 March 2018
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."
- Billy Sunday
For the week of 11 March 2018
“My grandmother
started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she
is.”
- Ellen DeGeneres
For
the week of 4 March 2018
“Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked
car.”
- Evan Davis
For the week of 25 February 2018
"A verbal contract isn't
worth the paper it is written on."
- Samuel
Goldwyn
For the week of 18 February 2018
"I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
- Winston Churchill
For the week of 11 February 2018 "Get the facts first. You can distort them later."
- Mark Twain
For the week of 4 February 2018
"Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in
such a way that they ask for directions."
-
Winston Churchill
For the week of 28 January 2018
“Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's
all.”
- William Goldman, "The Princess Bride"
For the week of 21 January
2018
"If all else fails, immortality
can always be assured by spectacular error."
-
John Kenneth Galbraith
For the week of 14 January 2018
"Love
your enemies. It makes them so damn mad."
- P.D. East
For
the week of 7 January 2018
"Maybe
fear is God's way of saying, 'Pay attention, this could be fun.' "
- Craig Ferguson
For the week of 1 January 2018
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
- W.C. Fields
For the week of 25 December
2017 - Christmas week
“As we
struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there
are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”
For the week of 17 December
2017
"Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help."
- Andy Borowitz
BONUS FOR THIS WEEK
- Victory in Iraq:
We gave the Iraqis
a chance - "a republic, if you can keep it" as Franklin once said - and they ran with it. Good for them.
For
the week of 10 December 2017
“Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each,
most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest.”
- D.S. Mixell
For
the week of 3 December 2017
"In the old days, it was not called
the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah'
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry
Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' "
- Dave Barry
For the week of 26 November 2017
"The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in
his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
- Dave Barry
For the week of 19 November 2017
"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take
twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
- Erma Bombeck
For the week of 12 November 2017
"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship."
- Dick Gregory
For the week of 5 November 2017
“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than
I am.”
- Bernard M. Baruch
For the week of 29 October 2017
"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."
- Rodney Dangerfield
For the week
of 22 October 2017
"My advice to defensive
players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."
- Bowden Wyatt
For the week of 15 October 2017
"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.
I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."
-
Bob Devaney
For the week of 8 October 2017
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later
you have to start all over again.”
—Joan Rivers
For
the week 1 October 2017
Ohio State's
Urban Meyers on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw
his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
For the week of 24
September 2017
"It's important
to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends
would still be living."
- John McDowell
For
the week of 17 September 2017
"If you
stop eating doughnuts, you will live three years longer. But it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut."
- Lewis Black
For the week of 10 Sept 2017
“One of the worst days in America’s history saw
some of the bravest acts in Americans’ history. We’ll always honor the heroes of 9/11. And here at this hallowed
place, we pledge that we will never forget their sacrifice.”
—President George W. Bush at the Pentagon in
2008
For the week of 3 August 2017
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens
in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 27 August 2017
“You
can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh, about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work
the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around three miles.' ”
- Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 20 August 2017
“Always
remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
- Margaret Mead
For the week of 13 August 2017
“It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote
and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.”
—Comedian
John McDowell
For the week of 6 August 2017
“My parents
used to stuff
me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think
they wanted a piñata.”
- Wendy Liebman
For the week of 30 July 2017
"It's embarrassing that people don't know one country from another on a map. Don't
they teach geometry anymore?"
- Bob Moher
For
the week of 23 July 2017
"The only
time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for steak to cook."
- Julia Child
For the week of 16 July 2017
“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew
the end was in sight.”
- Adam Joshua Smargon
For the week of 9 July 2017
Happy Bastille Day!
“How can anyone govern a nation that has
240 different kinds of cheese?”
- Charles de Gaulle
For the week of 2 July 2017
Happy 4th!
“Let every nation know,
whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any
foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty.”
- John F. Kennedy
For the
week of 25 June 2017
“Having one child
makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.”
- David Frost
For the week of
18 June 2017
"I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he
went out and bought a present for my mother."
- Rita Rudner
For the week of 11 June 2017
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She
buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”
- Rita Rudner
For the week of 4 June 2017
"Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile,
I think he can respond with a great deal of pride and satisfaction ... I served in the U. S. Navy."
- John F. Kennedy
For the week of 28 May 2017
"Some people spend an entire life time wondering if they made a difference in the world. The U.S. Armed Forces
don't have that problem."
-Ronald Reagan
For the week of 21 May 2017
“I couldn’t
repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
–
Steven Wright
For the week of 14 May 2017
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
- Milton Berle
For the week of 7 May 2017
“For every
set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.”
-
Allan Sherman
For the week of 30 April 2017
"When I
was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks."
—Stewart Francis
For the week of
23 April 2017
"The only reason for time is
so that everything doesn't happen all at once."
-
Albert Einstein
For the week of 16 April 2017
"The hardest
thing in the world to understand is income taxes."
- Albert
Einstein
For the week of 9 April 2017
"I don’t
want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get
by.”
- Bonnie McFarlane
For the week of 2 April 2017
“I'm
a naval officer--- a real naval officer. Not a graduate of the Naval Academy.”
- Steve Bannon
For the week of 26 March 2017
“My therapist
told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms
and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
- Dave Barry
For the week of 19 March 2017
“We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.”
- Winston Churchill
For the week of 12 March 2017
“The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.”
- Mike Birbiglia
For the week of 5 March 2017
“My kitchen
floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.”
-
Sarah Silverman
For the week of 26 February 2017
"How
come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery' ?"
- Jay Leno
For the week of 19 February 2017
"Here's
some advice. At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician."
- Adam Gropman
For the week of 12 February 2017
"Why do we need change? Aren't things bad enough as they are?"
- Lord Salisbury
For the week of 5 February 2017
The 5th was
Paul and Diana's 39th Anniversary! They reminisce ...
PAUL - I think the day we met was the luckiest day of my life!
DIANA - Me too!
PAUL - You think it was your luckiest
day, too?
DIANA - No, that it was YOUR luckiest day.
For the week of 29 January 2017
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept
together; It was riveting.”
- Stewart Francis
For the week of 22 January 2017
“I always knew it would be a cold
day in hell when I became president.”
—William Howard Taft. When he was inaugurated in 1909, a blizzard hit
Washington DC with 10 inches of snow
For the week of 15 January 2017
"A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid."
- Lesley Wake
For the week
of 8 January 2017
"Cats are smarter
than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
—Jeff Valdez
For the week of 1 January 2017
“Never make predictions, especially about the future.”
- Casey Stengel
For Christmas week, 25 December 2016
"Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind."
- Mary Ellen Chase
For the week of 18 December 2016
"Maybe
Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." - Dr. Seuss
For the week of 11 December 2016
"You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker." - Zach Galifianakis
For the week
of 4 December 2016
"The future ain't what
it used to be." - Yogi Berra
For the week of 27 November 2016
"One time, a guy handed me a
picture and said, 'Here’s a picture
of me when
I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger."
- Mitch Hedberg
For the week
of 20 November 2016
"Last Thanksgiving I shot my own
turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring.
Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson
For the week of 13 November 2016
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."
- Ronald Reagan
For the week of
6 November 2016
“I’ve moved on to other things.
Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling,
where I’m treated like a normal person.” - Billy Corgan
For the week of
30 October 2016
“I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major
in psychology and reverse psychology.”
- B. J.
Novak
For the week of 23 October 2016
"Of course I'm right. I'm the damn Captain of this operation. If I'm wrong, I will adjust
the situation until I am right."
-Andy
Sherbo
For the week of 16 October 2016
“If
people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading
works?”
- Bridger Winegar
For the week of 9 October 2016
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
– Emo Philips
For the week of 2 October 2016
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with
only a loaf of bread are three billion to one." - Erma Bombeck
For the week of 25 September 2016
"Our
faults and failings are not an excuse for failing to be heroic or achieve great things. We can have them and still do
amazing things."
- Andy Sherbo
For the week of 18 September 2016
(APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE - we had some website issues)
"I
never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's."
–
Alex Karras
For the week of 11 September 2016
"Our enemies have made the mistake that America’s enemies always make.
They saw liberty and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat."
-George W. Bush
For the week of 4 September 2016
"I
am a friend of the working man - and I would rather be his friend than be one."
- Clarence Darrow
For the week
of 29 August 2016
"Always remember Goliath was a 40
point favorite over David."
-
Shug Jordan
For the week of 22 August 2016
“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
- Ellie Taylor
For the week of 15 August 2016
“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
- Ronnie Corbett
For the week of 8 August 2016
"You can run me, and you can starve me, and you can beat me, and you can kill
me, but don't bore me."
- Chesty Puller
For the week of 1 August 2016
"I got a package in the post last week, and on it, it said, ‘Please
don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
For the
week of 25 July 2016
"Talking to yourself
just leads to a lot of arguments."
- Rebecca Sawyer
Smith
For the week of 18 July 2016
“A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.” - Sean Lock
For the
week of 11 July 2016
“I said,
‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’
”
- Tommy Cooper
For the week of the 4th of July 2016
"You have to love a nation that celebrates its Independence every July 4,
not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family
picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten,
but it is patriotism."
- Erma Bombeck
For the week of 27 June 2016
"I once got sacked for laughing. Mind you, I was driving a hearse at
the time.”
- Bernard Manning
For
the week of 20 June 2016
“A dog will always
look up to you, a cat will always look down on you, but a pig will look you in the eye and see his equal.”
- Winston
Churchill