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Thought of the Week

For the week of 23 April 2017 

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once."

- Albert Einstein

 

For the week of 16 April 2017

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes."

- Albert Einstein

 

For the week of 9 April 2017

"I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.”
- Bonnie McFarlane

 

For the week of 2 April 2017

“I'm a naval officer--- a real naval officer. Not a graduate of the Naval Academy.”

- Steve Bannon

 

For the week of 26 March 2017

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.  So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake.   I feel better already.”
-    Dave Barry

 

For the week of 19 March 2017

“We have always found the Irish a bit odd.  They refuse to be English.”
- Winston Churchill

For the week of 12 March 2017

“The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.”
- Mike Birbiglia

 

For the week of 5 March 2017

“My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.”
-    Sarah Silverman

 

For the week of 26 February 2017

"How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery' ?"

- Jay Leno

 

For the week of 19 February 2017

"Here's some advice.  At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent.  Unless the job is a statistician."

- Adam Gropman

 

For the week of 12 February 2017

"Why do we need change?  Aren't things bad enough as they are?"

- Lord Salisbury

 

For the week of 5 February 2017

The 5th was Paul and Diana's 39th Anniversary!  They reminisce ...

PAUL - I think the day we met was the luckiest day of my life!
DIANA - Me too!
PAUL - You think it was your luckiest day, too?
DIANA - No, that it was YOUR luckiest day.

 

For the week of 29 January 2017

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.”

- Stewart Francis

 

 

For the week of 22 January 2017

“I always knew it would be a cold day in hell when I became president.”

—William Howard Taft.  When he was inaugurated in 1909, a blizzard hit Washington DC with 10 inches of snow

 

For the week of 15 January 2017  

"A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid."

- Lesley Wake

 

 

For the week of 8 January 2017

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." 

—Jeff Valdez


For the week of 1 January 2017

“Never make predictions, especially about the future.” 

- Casey Stengel

 

For Christmas week, 25 December 2016

"Christmas, children, is not a date.  It is a state of mind." 

- Mary Ellen Chase

 

For the week of 18 December 2016

"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." - Dr. Seuss

 

For the week of 11 December 2016

"You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker." - Zach Galifianakis

 

For the week of 4 December 2016

"The future ain't what it used to be." - Yogi Berra 

 

For the week of 27 November 2016

"One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, 'Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger."

- Mitch Hedberg

 

For the week of 20 November 2016

"Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson

 

For the week of 13 November 2016

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." 

- Ronald Reagan 

 

For the week of 6 November 2016

“I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.” - Billy Corgan 

 

For the week of 30 October 2016

“I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major 
in psychology and reverse psychology.”

- B. J. Novak


 For the week of 23 October 2016

"Of course I'm right. I'm the damn Captain of this operation. If I'm wrong, I will adjust the situation until I am right."

-Andy Sherbo

 

For the week of 16 October 2016

 “If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?” 

- Bridger Winegar

 

For the week of 9 October 2016

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

– Emo Philips

 

For the week of 2 October 2016

 "The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."   -  Erma Bombeck

 

For the week of 25 September 2016

 "Our faults and failings are not an excuse for failing to be heroic or achieve great things.  We can have them and still do amazing things."

- Andy Sherbo

 

For the week of 18 September 2016

(APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE - we had some website issues)

 "I never graduated from Iowa.  But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." 

–  Alex Karras

 

For the week of 11 September 2016

"Our enemies have made the mistake that America’s enemies always make. They saw liberty and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat."

-George W. Bush

 

For the week of 4 September 2016

"I am a friend of the working man - and I would rather be his friend than be one."

- Clarence Darrow

 

 

For the week of 29 August 2016

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." 

-  Shug Jordan

 

For the week of 22 August 2016

“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”

- Ellie Taylor

 

For the week of 15 August 2016

“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”

- Ronnie Corbett

 

For the week of 8 August 2016

"You can run me, and you can starve me, and you can beat me, and you can kill me, but don't bore me."
- Chesty Puller

 

For the week of 1 August 2016

"I got a package in the post last week, and on it, it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”

- Lee Mack

 
 
For the week of 25 July 2016
"Talking to yourself just leads to a lot of arguments."
- Rebecca Sawyer Smith
 
For the week of 18 July 2016
 “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”

- Sean Lock

 
 
For the week of 11 July 2016

“I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”

-  Tommy Cooper

 
 For the week of the 4th of July 2016
"You have to love a nation that celebrates its Independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism."
- Erma Bombeck
 
 For the week of 27 June 2016
"I once got sacked for laughing.  Mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.”
- Bernard Manning


 
For the week of 20 June 2016 
“A dog will always look up to you, a cat will always look down on you, but a pig will look you in the eye and see his equal.”
- Winston Churchill