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Thought of the Week


For the week of 16 December 2018 

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
- Groucho Marx  

 

For the week of 9 December 2018

"I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible."
- Mitch Hedberg

 

For the week of 2 December 2018  

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
- Calvin Trillin  

 

For the week of 25 November 2018  

"Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?"
- Matt Groening

 

For the week of 18 November 2018

"Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving I'm not a butterball turkey."

- Just Bill 

 

For the week of 11 November 2018

Veterans Day,100th Anniversary of the end of World War I 

"All of these things about America - the independent spirit; freedom and liberty to think, express, and act; the promise of the potential for prosperity - have all been delivered to American citizens by our Founders and Framers, and secured by American Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen."  (And Marines.)
- Daniel Rundquist

 

For the week of 4 November 2018

"We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs."
- Will Rogers 

 

For the week of 28 October 2018

"Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata."
- Jim Samuels 

 

For the week of 21 October 2018 

"I live in my own little world. But its OK, they know me here."
- Lauren Myracle

 

For the week of 14 October 2018

"I've never allowed my schooling to get in the way of my education."
- Mark Twain

 

For the week of 7 October 2018 

"Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did."
- Jimmy Durante

 

For the week of 30 September 2018  

"Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

- George Burns

 

For the week of 23 September 2018 

"I have no desire to listen to The Temptations.  Which is kind of weird."

- Mitch Hedberg

 

For the week of 16 September 2018

"My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
- Groucho Marx

 


For the week of 11 September 2018

"Those whose lives were lost on September 11 will remain in our thoughts and prayers forever."
- Vito Fossella
 

For the week of 2 September 2018

"You know what burns me? Matches."
- Jay London

 

For the week of 26 August 2018 

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain

 

For the week of 19 August 2018

"Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted."
- RD.com

For the week of 12 August 2018

"I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough."
- Mark Twain

 

For the week of 5 August 2018  

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

- Emo Philips    

 

For the week of 29 July 2018

"I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones."
- John Peel

For the week of 22 July 2018 
"Never miss a good chance to shut up."
- Will Rogers
 
For the week of 15 July 2018
"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore."
- Yogi Berra 
 
For the week of 8 July 2018 
"Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off."
- Ralph Bus
 
For the week of 31 June 2018
"Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it."
- George Bernard Shaw
 
For the week of 24 June 2018
"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law."
- Hubert Humphrey
 
For the week of 17 June 2018
"Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it"
- Dr. Thomas Sowell
 
 
For the week of 10 June 2018
"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."
- Mark Twain
 
For the week of 3 June 2018
"Skim milk is just water lying about being milk."
- Ron Swanson

 
For the week of 27 May 2018 and Memorial Day
"Each of the patriots whom we remember on this day was first a beloved son or daughter, a brother or sister, or a spouse, friend, and neighbor."
- George H. W. Bush 
 
For the week of 20 May 2018
"The dark night of fascism is always descending in the United States - and yet lands only in Europe."
- Tom Wolfe 
 
For the week of 13 May 2018 - Happy Mother's Day!
 "Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are cheese."
- Luis Bunuel
 
 
For the week of 6 May 2018
"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
- George W. Bush  
 
 
For the week of 29 April 2018
"You have seen me at my worst and stuck with me - and you've seen me at my best and chuckled in disbelief."
- General Eric Shinseki, addressing his wife at his 2003 retirement from the US Army
 
 
For the week of 22 April 2018
"If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out."
- Lawrence Ferlinghetti 
 
 
For the week of 15 April 2018
"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."
- Yogi Berra
 
For the week of 8 April 2018 
"If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?"
- Jerry Seinfeld

 
 
For the week of April Fools 2018
"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."
- Albert Einstein
 
For the week of 25 March 2018 
"If you cannot answer a man's argument, all is not lost.  You can still call him vile names."
- Elbert Hubbard
 
 
For the week of 18 March 2018
"Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."
- Billy Sunday
 
 
For the week of 11 March 2018
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.”
- Ellen DeGeneres
 
 
For the week of 4 March 2018
“Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.”
- Evan Davis
 
For the week of 25 February 2018
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on."
- Samuel Goldwyn
 
 
For the week of 18 February 2018
"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter." 
- Winston Churchill
 
 
For the week of 11 February 2018
"Get the facts first.  You can distort them later."
- Mark Twain
Thumbnailcovers/DianaPaul.jpg 
For the week of 4 February 2018
"Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions."
- Winston Churchill
 
For the week of 28 January 2018
“Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all.”
- William Goldman, "The Princess Bride"
 
For the week of 21 January 2018
"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error."
- John Kenneth Galbraith
 
For the week of 14 January 2018
"Love your enemies.  It makes them so damn mad."
- P.D. East
 
For the week of 7 January 2018
"Maybe fear is God's way of saying, 'Pay attention, this could be fun.' "
- Craig Ferguson 
 
 
For the week of 1 January 2018
"I always cook with wine.  Sometimes I even add it to the food."
- W.C. Fields
 
 
For the week of 25 December 2017 - Christmas week

“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”

– Donald E. Westlake

 
For the week of 17 December 2017
"Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help."
- Andy Borowitz
BONUS FOR THIS WEEK - Victory in Iraq:  
We gave the Iraqis a chance - "a republic, if you can keep it" as Franklin once said - and they ran with it. Good for them. 
 
For the week of 10 December 2017
“Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest.”
- D.S. Mixell
 
For the week of 3 December 2017
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' "
- Dave Berry
 
For the week of 26 November 2017
"The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."
- Dave Berry

 

For the week of 19 November 2017

"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
-
Erma Bombeck

 

For the week of 12 November 2017

"When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.  That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship."

- Dick Gregory

 

For the week of 5 November 2017

“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”
- Bernard M. Baruch

 

For the week of 29 October 2017

"On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me."

- Rodney Dangerfield

 

For the week of 22 October 2017

"My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor."

- Bowden Wyatt

 

For the week of 15 October 2017

"I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation.  I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation."

- Bob Devaney

 

 

For the week of 8 October 2017

“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.” 

—Joan Rivers

 


For the week 1 October 2017

Ohio State's Urban Meyers on one of his players:  "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.  In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."


For the week of 24 September 2017

"It's important to have a good vocabulary.  If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living."

- John McDowell

 

For the week of 17 September 2017

"If you stop eating doughnuts, you will live three years longer.  But it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut."

- Lewis Black

 

For the week of 10 Sept 2017

“One of the worst days in America’s history saw some of the bravest acts in Americans’ history. We’ll always honor the heroes of 9/11. And here at this hallowed place, we pledge that we will never forget their sacrifice.”
—President George W. Bush at the Pentagon in 2008

 

For the week of 3 August 2017

“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.”

- Jerry Seinfeld

 

For the week of 27 August 2017

“You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh, about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around three miles.' ”

- Jerry Seinfeld

 

For the week of 20 August 2017

“Always remember that you are absolutely unique.  Just like everyone else.”

- Margaret Mead

 


For the week of 13 August 2017

“It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.”

—Comedian John McDowell

 


 

For the week of 6 August 2017 

“My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.”

- Wendy Liebman

 

For the week of 30 July 2017

"It's embarrassing that people don't know one country from another on a map. Don't they teach geometry anymore?"

- Bob Moher

 

For the week of 23 July 2017

"The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for steak to cook."

- Julia Child

 

For the week of 16 July 2017 

“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.”

- Adam Joshua Smargon


For the week of 9 July 2017
Happy Bastille Day!
“How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?”
- Charles de Gaulle 

 

For the week of 2 July 2017

Happy 4th!
“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty.”
- John F. Kennedy
 

 

For the week of 25 June 2017

“Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.”

- David Frost

 

 

 

For the week of 18 June 2017

"I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother."

- Rita Rudner

 

For the week of 11 June 2017

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”

- Rita Rudner


For the week of 4 June 2017

"Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think he can respond with a great deal of pride and satisfaction ... I served in the U. S. Navy."

- John F. Kennedy

 

For the week of 28 May 2017

"Some people spend an entire life time wondering if they made a difference in the world. The U.S. Armed Forces don't have that problem."

-Ronald Reagan

 

 

For the week of 21 May 2017

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

– Steven Wright

 

 

For the week of 14 May 2017

"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

- Milton Berle  

 

For the week of 7 May 2017

“For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.”
-    Allan Sherman

 

For the week of 30 April 2017

"When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks."
—Stewart Francis

 

For the week of 23 April 2017 

"The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once."

- Albert Einstein

 

For the week of 16 April 2017

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes."

- Albert Einstein

 

For the week of 9 April 2017

"I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.”
- Bonnie McFarlane

 

For the week of 2 April 2017

“I'm a naval officer--- a real naval officer. Not a graduate of the Naval Academy.”

- Steve Bannon

 

For the week of 26 March 2017

“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.  So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake.   I feel better already.”
-    Dave Barry

 

For the week of 19 March 2017

“We have always found the Irish a bit odd.  They refuse to be English.”
- Winston Churchill

For the week of 12 March 2017

“The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.”
- Mike Birbiglia

 

For the week of 5 March 2017

“My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.”
-    Sarah Silverman

 

For the week of 26 February 2017

"How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery' ?"

- Jay Leno

 

For the week of 19 February 2017

"Here's some advice.  At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent.  Unless the job is a statistician."

- Adam Gropman

 

For the week of 12 February 2017

"Why do we need change?  Aren't things bad enough as they are?"

- Lord Salisbury

 

For the week of 5 February 2017

The 5th was Paul and Diana's 39th Anniversary!  They reminisce ...

PAUL - I think the day we met was the luckiest day of my life!
DIANA - Me too!
PAUL - You think it was your luckiest day, too?
DIANA - No, that it was YOUR luckiest day.

 

For the week of 29 January 2017

“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.”

- Stewart Francis

 

 

For the week of 22 January 2017

“I always knew it would be a cold day in hell when I became president.”

—William Howard Taft.  When he was inaugurated in 1909, a blizzard hit Washington DC with 10 inches of snow

 

For the week of 15 January 2017  

"A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid."

- Lesley Wake

 

 

For the week of 8 January 2017

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." 

—Jeff Valdez


For the week of 1 January 2017

“Never make predictions, especially about the future.” 

- Casey Stengel

 

For Christmas week, 25 December 2016

"Christmas, children, is not a date.  It is a state of mind." 

- Mary Ellen Chase

 

For the week of 18 December 2016

"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." - Dr. Seuss

 

For the week of 11 December 2016

"You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker." - Zach Galifianakis

 

For the week of 4 December 2016

"The future ain't what it used to be." - Yogi Berra 

 

For the week of 27 November 2016

"One time, a guy handed me a 
picture and said, 'Here’s a picture 
of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger."

- Mitch Hedberg

 

For the week of 20 November 2016

"Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson

 

For the week of 13 November 2016

"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." 

- Ronald Reagan 

 

For the week of 6 November 2016

“I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.” - Billy Corgan 

 

For the week of 30 October 2016

“I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major 
in psychology and reverse psychology.”

- B. J. Novak


 For the week of 23 October 2016

"Of course I'm right. I'm the damn Captain of this operation. If I'm wrong, I will adjust the situation until I am right."

-Andy Sherbo

 

For the week of 16 October 2016

 “If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?” 

- Bridger Winegar

 

For the week of 9 October 2016

“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”

– Emo Philips

 

For the week of 2 October 2016

 "The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one."   -  Erma Bombeck

 

For the week of 25 September 2016

 "Our faults and failings are not an excuse for failing to be heroic or achieve great things.  We can have them and still do amazing things."

- Andy Sherbo

 

For the week of 18 September 2016

(APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE - we had some website issues)

 "I never graduated from Iowa.  But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." 

–  Alex Karras

 

For the week of 11 September 2016

"Our enemies have made the mistake that America’s enemies always make. They saw liberty and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat."

-George W. Bush

 

For the week of 4 September 2016

"I am a friend of the working man - and I would rather be his friend than be one."

- Clarence Darrow

 

 

For the week of 29 August 2016

"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." 

-  Shug Jordan

 

For the week of 22 August 2016

“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”

- Ellie Taylor

 

For the week of 15 August 2016

“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”

- Ronnie Corbett

 

For the week of 8 August 2016

"You can run me, and you can starve me, and you can beat me, and you can kill me, but don't bore me."
- Chesty Puller

 

For the week of 1 August 2016

"I got a package in the post last week, and on it, it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”

- Lee Mack

 
 
For the week of 25 July 2016
"Talking to yourself just leads to a lot of arguments."
- Rebecca Sawyer Smith
 
For the week of 18 July 2016
 “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”

- Sean Lock

 
 
For the week of 11 July 2016

“I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”

-  Tommy Cooper

 
 For the week of the 4th of July 2016
"You have to love a nation that celebrates its Independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism."
- Erma Bombeck
 
 For the week of 27 June 2016
"I once got sacked for laughing.  Mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.”
- Bernard Manning


 
For the week of 20 June 2016 
“A dog will always look up to you, a cat will always look down on you, but a pig will look you in the eye and see his equal.”
- Winston Churc
hill