For the week of 25 June 2017
one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.”
- David Frost
For the week of 18 June 2017
gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought
a present for my mother."
- Rita Rudner
For the week of 11 June 2017
“My grandmother was
a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”
- Rita Rudner
For the week of 4 June 2017
"Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think he can respond with
a great deal of pride and satisfaction ... I served in the U. S. Navy."
- John F. Kennedy
For the week of
28 May 2017
"Some people spend an entire
life time wondering if they made a difference in the world. The U.S. Armed Forces don't have that problem."
For the week of 21 May 2017
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so
I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 14 May 2017
"If evolution really works, how come mothers
only have two hands?"
- Milton Berle
the week of 7 May 2017
“For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere
in this world there’s a barefoot horse.”
- Allan Sherman
For the week of 30 April 2017
"When I was a child my father attacked me
with cameras; I still have flashbacks."
For the week of 23 April 2017
"The only reason for time is so that
everything doesn't happen all at once."
- Albert Einstein
For the week of 16 April 2017
"The hardest thing in
the world to understand is income taxes."
- Albert Einstein
For the week of 9 April 2017
"I don’t want to brag, but I do speak
pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.”
- Bonnie McFarlane
For the week of 2 April 2017
“I'm a naval officer--- a real naval
officer. Not a graduate of the Naval Academy.”
- Steve Bannon
For the week of 26 March 2017
“My therapist told me the way to achieve
true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.”
- Dave Barry
For the week
of 19 March 2017
“We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be
- Winston Churchill
For the week of 12 March 2017
“The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.”
- Mike Birbiglia
For the week of 5 March 2017
kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.”
For the week of 26 February 2017
come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery' ?"
- Jay Leno
For the week of 19 February 2017
"Here's some advice. At a job
interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician."
- Adam Gropman
For the week of 12 February 2017
"Why do we need change? Aren't things bad enough as they are?"
For the week of 5 February 2017
5th was Paul and Diana's 39th Anniversary! They reminisce ...
PAUL - I think the day
we met was the luckiest day of my life!
DIANA - Me too!
PAUL - You think it was your luckiest day, too?
- No, that it was YOUR luckiest day.
For the week of 29 January 2017
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was
- Stewart Francis
For the week of 22 January 2017
always knew it would be a cold day in hell when I became president.”
—William Howard Taft. When he was inaugurated in 1909, a blizzard hit
Washington DC with 10 inches of snow
For the week of 15 January
"A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid."
- Lesley Wake
For the week of 8 January 2017
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled
the week of 1 January 2017
make predictions, especially about the future.”
- Casey Stengel
For Christmas week, 25 December 2016
"Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind."
- Mary Ellen Chase
For the week of 18 December 2016
"Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." - Dr. Seuss
For the week of 11
"You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker."
- Zach Galifianakis
For the week of 4
"The future ain't what it used to be." - Yogi Berra
For the week of 27 November 2016
time, a guy handed me a
picture and said, 'Here’s a picture
of me when I was younger.' Every
picture of you is when you were younger."
- Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 20 November 2016
"Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam!
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson
For the week of 13 November 2016
"I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born."
- Ronald Reagan
For the week of 6 November 2016
moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world
like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.” - Billy Corgan
For the week of 30 October 2016
“I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn
a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major
in psychology and reverse psychology.”
- B. J. Novak
For the week of 23 October 2016
"Of course I'm right. I'm the damn Captain of this operation. If I'm wrong,
I will adjust the situation until I am right."
week of 16 October 2016
“If people say
they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?”
- Bridger Winegar
the week of 9 October 2016
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work
that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
– Emo Philips
For the week of 2 October 2016
"The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming
out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one." - Erma Bombeck
For the week of 25 September 2016
"Our faults and failings are not an excuse for failing to be heroic or achieve great things. We
can have them and still do amazing things."
- Andy Sherbo
For the week of 18 September 2016
(APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE - we had some website issues)
"I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's
– Alex Karras
For the week of 11 September 2016
"Our enemies have made the mistake that America’s enemies always make.
They saw liberty and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat."
-George W. Bush
For the week of 4
"I am a friend of the working man -
and I would rather be his friend than be one."
For the week of 29 August 2016
"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point
favorite over David."
- Shug Jordan
For the week of 22 August 2016
wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
- Ellie Taylor
For the week of 15 August 2016
cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
- Ronnie Corbett
For the week of 8 August 2016
"You can run me, and you can starve me, and you can beat me, and you can kill me, but don't bore me."
- Chesty Puller
For the week of 1 August