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Thought of the WeekFor the week of 20 March 2023 "Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
For the week of 12 March 2023 "In the
first place God made idiots. This was for practice." For the week of 5 March 2023 "I was married by a judge. I should have
asked for a jury." For the week of 26 February 2023 "My
dad used to say that life's a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map."
For the week of 19 February 2023 "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." - Will Ferrell
For the week of 12 February 2023 "Only
a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others."
For the week of 5 February 2023 "Always
be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual." For the week of 29 January 2023 "Some of the worst mistakes
in my life were haircuts" For the week of 22 January 2023 "I'm an atheist - and I thank God for it." For the week of 15 January 2023 "If
you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be 'meetings."
"I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly." For the week of 1 January 2023 - Happy New Year! "It's
always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales."
For the week of Christmas 2022 - Merry Christmas everyone! "Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help." - Andy Borowitz
For the week of 18 December 2022 "Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent."
For the week of 11 December 2022 "Procrastinate now, don't put it off." For the week of 4 December 2022 "Never lend
your car to anyone to whom you have given birth." For the week of 27 November 2022 "Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened." For the week of 20 November 2022 "In
real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra." For the week of 13 November 2022 "Don't look at me in that tone of voice." For the week of 6 November 2022 "You can't
be sad if you eat a waffle!" For the week of 30 October 2022 "Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's
no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door." For the week of 23 October 2022 "When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?' it's
a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway." For the week of 16 October 2022 "All you need in
this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure."
For the week of 9 October 2022 "In politics, stupidity is not a handicap."
For the week of 2 October 2022 "Money talks. It says goodbye." - Don Schwall
For the
week of 25 September 2022 "Expecting
the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because
you are a vegetarian."
For the week of 18 September 2022 "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria." For the week of 11 September 2022 "People will tell
you it is better to be feared than loved. This will be true a handful of times in your career, but bear in mind that Machiavelli
was writing for Renaissance Princes, not for you, and that he was a terrible suck-up who would say anything to get promoted.
And that it didn't work." For the week of 4 September 2022 "The Boss says, 'I'm looking for someone who is honest, reliable and not afraid to work.' The job applicant replies, 'Hire me, I'll help you look!' " - Fred Willard
For the week of 28 August 2022 "Right
now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before." For the week of 21 August 2022 "If
you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!"
For the week of 14 August 2022 "I know that there are people
who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!"
For the week of 7 August 2022 "I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck."
For the week of 31 July 2022 "A party without cake is just
a meeting."
For the week of 24 July 2022 "Laugh
and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel."
For the week of 17 July 2022 "A synonym is a
word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of."
For the week of 10 July 2022 (delayed one day by IT problem) "Never
be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century." For the week of 3 July 2022 "I bought a new
Japanese car. I turned on the radio. I don't understand a word they're saying."
For the week of 26 June 2022 "The trouble with
the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." For the week of 19 June 2022 "My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father's Day. Maybe for Christmas I'll draw him a picture of some toys." -
Jim Gaffigan
For the week of 12 June 2022 "I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.
Now I'm good at everything." For the week of 5 June 2022 - and 80th anniversary of the Battle of Midway "Our
citizens can now rejoice that a momentous victory is in the making. Perhaps we will be forgiven if we claim we are about
midway to our objective."
For the week of 29 May 2022 and Memorial Day "It is foolish and wrong
to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God such men lived."
For the week of 22 May 2022 "Just
because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect." For the week of 15 May 2022 "Before
I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories." For the week of 8 May 2022 - Happy Mothers Day "If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that
says 'keep away from children'."
For the week of 1 May 2022 "A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking
ticket and rejoices that the system works." For the week of 24 April 2022 "Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes
the reason is you're stupid and make bad decisions." For the week of 17 April 2022 "It could be that your purpose in life
is to serve as a warning to others." For the week of 10 April 2022 "If we're not supposed to eat animals,
how come they're made out of meat?"
For the week of 3 April 2022 "I like long walks, especially when they are
taken by people who annoy me." For the week of 27 March 2022 "If you read a lot of books, you're considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well-viewed." - Lily Tomlin
For the week of 20 March 2022 "I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've
saved all year." For the week of 13 March 2022 (A lecturer's response to a heckler asking when he would get to the point.) "I'm a novelist, so it might take me a few months." - Roddy Doyle
For the week of 6 March 2022 ''If you don't mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving
cream.''
For the week of 27 February 2022 "Money is not the most important thing in the world.
Love is. Fortunately, I love money." For the week of 20 February 2022 "If one morning I walked on top of the
water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'" For the week of 13 February 2022 "Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." For the week of 6 February 2022 "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.
It is already tomorrow in Australia." For the week of 30 January 2022 "If at first you don't succeed... so much
for skydiving." For the week of 23 January 2022 "This kid has hundreds of dollars worth of toys. But right now what he wants to do is sit on my foot and hold my leg while I walk around the kitchen." - Andy Sherbo
For the week of 16 January 2022 "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear"
For the week of 9 January 2022 "If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them
in." For the week of 2 January 2022 "I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact." For Christmas 2021 "It's Christmas Eve! It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little
easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would
be."
For the week of 19 December 2021 "The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots
wore helmets." For the week of 12 December 2021 "Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you're
looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you're still an idiot."
For the week of 5 December 2021 "My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William
Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger." For the week of 28 November 2021 "There may be shortage of knowledge but there is no shortage
of ignorance." For the week of 21 November 2021 "Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don't. I don't need the competition." For the week of 14 November 2021 "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
For the week of 7 November 2021 "He who laughs last didn't get the joke." SORRY FOR THE DELAY We had some website issues for a couple of weeks, but we're back -
For the week of 31 October 2021 "True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country."
"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true."
For the week of 3 October 2021 "The difference between stupidity
and genius is that genius has its limits."
For the week of 26 September 2021 "Originality
is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." For the week of 19 September 2021 "I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going
to those places."
For September 11, 2021, and the week of 12 September 2021 "Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision."
For the week of 5 September 2021 "However
beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results." For the week of 29 August 2021 "Back in the 70s, Bill Wyman and I decided
to grow beards, and the effort left us exhausted." For the week of 22 August 2021 "I don't know anything
about music. In my line you don't have to."
For the week of 15 August 2021 "In the end, I am just a guy wearing spandex
that turns left really fast."
For the week of 8 August 2021 "I put instant coffee in a microwave oven
and almost went back in time."
For the week of 1 August 2021 "I saw
that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout for help'."
For the week of 25 July 2021 "I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night." For the week of 18 July 2021 "I like coffee because it
gives me the illusion that I might be awake."
For the week of 11 of July 2021 "If you think nobody cares if you're
alive, try missing a couple of car payments." For the week of the 4th of July 2021 "I normally don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak - but it's 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowing crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want." - Jim Gaffigan
For the week of 27 June 2021 "The reason there are two senators for
each state is so that one can be the designated driver."
For the week of 20 June 2021 "A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would
triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.' "
For the week of 13 June 2021 "I know only two tunes: one of them is Yankee Doodle and the other isn't." - Ulysses S. Grant
For the week of 6 June 2021 "Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking 'What happened?' " - Ann Landers
For Memorial Day weekend 2021 "Ceremonies are important. But our gratitude has to be more than visits to the troops and once-a-year Memorial
Day ceremonies. We honor the dead best by treating the living well."
For the week of 23 May 2021 "Someone asked
me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.' "
For the week of 16 May 2021 "I love being
married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
For the week of 9 May 2021 Happy Mothers Day "I've
conquered a lot of things ... blood clots in my lungs - twice ... knee and foot surgeries ... winning Grand Slams being down
match point ... to name just a few, but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller."
For the week of 2 May 2021 "Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."
For the week of 25 April 2021 "I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
For the week of 18 April 2021 "You've got to be original, because if you're like someone else, what
do they need you for?"
For the week of 11 April 2021 "I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his
name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes."
For the week of 4 April 2021 "If, after 50, you no longer hurt somewhere
when you get up in the morning, then you're dead."
For the week of 28 March 2021 "The other teams could make trouble for
us if they win."
For the week of 21 March 2021 "All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff."
For the week of 14 March 2021 "Having children
is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up."
For the week of 7 March 2021 "In ancient
times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this."
For the week of 28 February 2021 "You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by
the police."
For the week of 21 February 2021 "As I learned from growing up, you don't mess with your grandmother."
For the week of 14 February 2021 "The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."
For the week of 7 February 2021 - (apologies for the delay, IT issues) "If plan "A"
doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters - 204 if you're in Japan."
For the week of 31 January 2021 "I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money."
For the week of 24 January 2021 "My girlfriend's dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I'm going to do
with two dead dogs?'"
For the week of 17 January 2021 "I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where
they're going and hook up with 'em later."
For the week of 10 January 2021 "In Washington journalists can afford to live
almost as well as people who work for a living."
For the week of 3 January 2021 "Your diligence is setting an
example for all of us-stop it!"
For the week of 27 December 2020 "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles
these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."
For the week of 20 December 2020 "You
know you're getting old when Santa starts looking younger."
For the week of 13 December 2020 "There are many in this old world of ours who
hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The
rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter."
For the week of 6 December 2020 "If all economists were laid end to end, they
would not reach a conclusion."
For the week of 29 November 2020 "Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one
has asked them."
For the week of 22 November 2020 "A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough. She asked the stock boy ‘Do these
turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, ‘No they're dead.' "
For the week of 15 November 2020 "You can
lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."
For the week of 8 November 2020 "It's important to watch what you eat, at least until you get it inside your mouth. After that it becomes pretty disgusting." - Dave Barry
For the week of 1 November 2020 "A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election." - Bill Vaughan
For the week of 25 October 2020 "Weekends don't pay as well as weekdays but at
least there's football."
For the week of 18 October 2020 "The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in
the steam iron."
For the week of 11 October 2020 "Boy, those
French: they have a different word for everything!"
APOLOGIES FOR DELAYS due to IT issues - catching up now
For the week of 4 October 2020 "Prediction is very
difficult, especially about the future"
For the week of 27 September 2020 "I
am only human, although I regret it."
For the week of 20 September 2020 "I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible. And I wish to thank my children for making it necessary." - Victor Borge
For the week of 13 September 2020
For the week of 6 September 2020 "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight."
For the week of 30 August 2020 "Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering."
For the week of 23 August 2020 "A balanced diet is a cookie in
each hand."
For the week of 16 August 2020 "If you are sending
someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?"
For the week of 9 August 2020 "Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!' "- Emo Philips
For the week of 2 August 2020 "No man
goes before his time-unless the boss leaves early."
For the week of 26 July 2020 "How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven." Spike Milligan
For the week of 19 July 2020 "Having no earthly
clue where I'm heading, I'm never lost."
For the week of 12 July 2020 "If you
trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you'll still get beaten by people who spent
their time working hard and learning things and weren't so lazy."
For the week of 5 July 2020 "Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."
For the week of 28 June 2020 (Sorry for the delay, IT issues) "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." - Bob Hope
For the week of 21 June 2020 "Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard."
For the week of 14 June 2020 "Once I pulled a job, I was so
stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it."
For the week of 7 June 2020 "Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children."
For the week of 31 May 2020 "The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion." - Fred Allen
For the week of 24 May 2020 "I don't
believe in astrology. I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical."
For the week of 17 May 2020 "Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!' " - Conan O'Brien
For the week of 10 May 2020 "When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out." - Erma Bombeck
For the week of 3 May 2020 "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken."
For the week of 26 April 2020 "My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn't walk to the donut shop."
For the week of 19 April 2020 "If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side."
For the week of 12 April 2020 "It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's
the time to do it."
For the week of 5 April 2020 "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' " - Tommy Cooper
For the week of 29 March 2020 "Nothing motivates a man's actions like a strict ban."
For the week of 22 March 2020 "Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
For the week of 15 March 2020 "Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit;
wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad."
For the week of 8 March 2020 "I can't
complain, but sometimes I still do."
For the week of 1 March 2020 "I dream
of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."
For the week of 23 February 2020 "The best measure of a man's honesty
isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale."
For the week of 16 February 2020 "What have future generations ever done for us?"
For the week of 9 February 2020 "It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for
political ads."
For the week of 2 February 2020 "Never
judge a book by its movie."
For the week of 26 January 2020 "If you think your boss is stupid, remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter." - Albert Grant
For
the week of 19 January 2020 "What's another word for Thesaurus?" - Steven Wright
For the week of 12 January 2020 "If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else."
For the week of 5 January 2020 "The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've
got it made."
For the week of 29 December 2019 "Never
have more children than you have car windows." For the week of 22 December 2019 "I
bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different
print so he would know when to stop unwrapping."
For the week of 15 December 2019 "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."
For the week of 8 December 2019 "I never said most of the things I said."
For the week of 1 December 2019 "I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don't get into it because I do comedy already."
For the week of 24 November 2019 "A day without sunshine
is like, you know, night."
For the week of 17 November 2019 "Skiing
combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."
For the week of 10 November 2019 "This nation will remain the land of the free only as long as it is home of the brave."
For the week of 3 November 2019 "Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
For the week of 27 October 2019 "I don't know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood
kids."
For the week of 20 October 2019 "One advantage of talking
to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening."
For the week of 13 October 2019 "I never did very well in Math. I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers
literally."
For the week of 6 October 2019 "We are
all here on Earth to help others. What on Earth the others are here for I don't know."
For the week of 29 September 2019 "Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."
For the week of 22 September 2019 "There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need
a plan."
For the week of 15 September 2019 "To those of you
who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the 'C' students, I say you too may one day
be President of the United States."
For the week of 8 September 2019 "Every
day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
For the week of 1 September 2019 "I'm trying to read
a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep."
For the week of 25 August 2019 "I'm
an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house."
For the week of 18 August 2019 "Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV." - Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 11 August 2019 "The
best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
For the week of 4 August 2019 "Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot
the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code. He turned himself
in."
For the week of 28 July 2019 "People often say that motivation
doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing. That's why we recommend it daily."
For the week of 21 July 2019 "My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I throw angry
birds at pig houses."
For the week of 14 July 2019 "If you let your head
get too big, it'll break your neck."
For the week of 7 July 2019 "A
perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
For the week of the Fourth of July "America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair." - Arnold Joseph Toynbee
For the week of 23 June 2019 "Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for." - Will Rogers
For the week of 16 June 2019 "Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really."
For the week of 9 June 2019 "We've begun to long for
the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It's cheaper, and you get more feet."
For the week of 2 June 2019 - 75th Anniversary of D-Day, 6 June 1944 "Lieutenant
Welsh remembered walking around among the sleeping men, and thinking to himself that 'they had looked at and smelled death
all around them all day but never even dreamed of applying the term to themselves. They hadn't come here to fear. They
hadn't come to die. They had come to win.' "
For the week of 26 May 2019 "All
men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner."
For the week of 19 May 2019 "An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away." - P. G. Wodehouse
For the week of 12 May 2019 "I want my children to have
all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them."
For the week of 5 May 2019 "You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times."
For the week of 28 April 2019 "In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not." - Albert Einstein
For the week of 21 April 2019 "Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco." - Will Rogers
For the week of 14 April 2019 "Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired."
For the week of 7 April 2019 "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
For the week of 31 March 2019 "The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public."
For the week of 24 March 2019 "If a woman has to choose between
catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
if there is a man on base."
For the week of 17 March 2019 "Why should
you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck."
For the week of 10 March 2019 "I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell,
‘Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
For the week of 3 March 2019 "I'm
a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
For the week of 24 February 2019 "Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants."
For the week of 17 February 2019 "I'm paranoid. On my
stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror."
For the week of 10 February 2019 "You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice." - Sam Levenson
For the week of 3 February 2019 "We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads." - Vlade Divac
For the week of 27 January 2019 "Expecting the world to treat
you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian."
For the week of 20 January 2019 "Take the first step in faith.
You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."
For the week of 13 January 2019 "I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position."
For the week of 6 January 2019 "We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend
to be."
For the week of 30 December 2018 "New Year's Day
now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual."
For the week of 23 December 2018 "I will honor Christmas
in my heart, and try to keep it all the year."
For the week of 16 December 2018 "I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a
book."
For the week of 9 December 2018 "I tried to throw a yo-yo
away. It was impossible."
For the week of 2 December 2018 "The most
remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has
never been found."
For the week of 25 November 2018 "Aren't
we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?"
For the week of 18 November 2018 "Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving I'm not a butterball turkey." - Just Bill
For the week of 11 November 2018 Veterans Day,100th Anniversary of the end of World War I "All of these things about America - the independent spirit; freedom and liberty to think, express, and act;
the promise of the potential for prosperity - have all been delivered to American citizens by our Founders and Framers, and
secured by American Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen." (And Marines.)
For the week of 4 November 2018 "We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs."
For the week of 28 October 2018 "Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as
a piñata."
For the week of 21 October 2018 "I live in my own
little world. But its OK, they know me here."
For the week of 14 October 2018 "I've
never allowed my schooling to get in the way of my education."
For the week of 7 October 2018 "Politics
is developing more comedians than radio ever did."
For the week of 30 September 2018 "Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - George Burns
For the week of 23 September 2018 "I have no desire to listen to The Temptations. Which is kind of weird." - Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 16 September 2018 "My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September'
because it actually tells you something."
For the week of 11 September 2018 "Those whose lives were lost on September 11 will remain in our thoughts and
prayers forever." For the week of 2 September 2018 "You know what burns
me? Matches."
For the week of 26 August 2018 "Be careful about
reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
For the week of 19 August 2018 "Why
is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he's always spotted." For the week of 12 August 2018 "I have
been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough."
For the week of 5 August 2018 "How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand." - Emo Philips
For the week of 29 July 2018 "I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones." - John Peel For the week of 22 July 2018 "Never miss a good chance to shut up." - Will Rogers For the week of 15 July 2018
"A nickel ain't worth a dime
anymore." - Yogi Berra For the week of 8 July 2018 "Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off." - Ralph Bus For the week of 31 June 2018
"Liberty means responsibility. That
is why most men dread it." - George Bernard Shaw For the week of 24 June 2018 "Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law." - Hubert Humphrey For
the week of 17 June 2018 "Socialism
in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it" - Dr. Thomas Sowell For the week of 10 June 2018 "When
angry, count to four; when very angry, swear." - Mark Twain For the week of 3 June 2018 "Skim milk is just water lying about being milk." - Ron Swanson For the week of 27 May 2018 and Memorial Day "Each of the patriots whom we remember on this day was
first a beloved son or daughter, a brother or sister, or a spouse, friend, and neighbor." - George H. W. Bush For the week of 20 May 2018 "The dark night of fascism is always descending in the United States - and yet lands only in Europe." - Tom Wolfe For the week of 13 May 2018 - Happy Mother's Day! "Age is something that doesn't matter, unless
you are cheese." - Luis Bunuel For the week of 6 May 2018 "I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
- George W. Bush For
the week of 29 April 2018 "You have
seen me at my worst and stuck with me - and you've seen me at my best and chuckled in disbelief." - General Eric Shinseki, addressing his wife at his 2003 retirement
from the US Army For the week of 22 April 2018 "If
you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out." - Lawrence Ferlinghetti For the week of 15 April 2018 "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." - Yogi Berra For the week of 8 April 2018 For the week of April Fools 2018 "Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid
comes easy." - Albert Einstein For the week of 25 March 2018
"If you cannot answer a man's
argument, all is not lost. You can still call him vile names." - Elbert Hubbard For the week of 18 March 2018 "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile."
- Billy Sunday For the week of 11 March 2018 “My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the heck she is.” - Ellen DeGeneres For
the week of 4 March 2018 “Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked
car.” - Evan Davis For the week of 25 February 2018 "A verbal contract isn't
worth the paper it is written on." - Samuel
Goldwyn For the week of 18 February 2018 "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
- Winston Churchill "Get the facts first. You can distort them later."
- Mark Twain  For the week of 4 February 2018 "Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in
such a way that they ask for directions." -
Winston Churchill For the week of 28 January 2018 “Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's
all.” - William Goldman, "The Princess Bride"For the week of 21 January
2018 "If all else fails, immortality
can always be assured by spectacular error." -
John Kenneth Galbraith For the week of 14 January 2018 "Love
your enemies. It makes them so damn mad." - P.D. East For
the week of 7 January 2018 "Maybe
fear is God's way of saying, 'Pay attention, this could be fun.' " - Craig Ferguson For the week of 1 January 2018 "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food." - W.C. Fields For the week of 25 December
2017 - Christmas week “As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” – Donald E. Westlake For the week of 17 December
2017 "Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help." - Andy Borowitz BONUS FOR THIS WEEK
- Victory in Iraq: We gave the Iraqis
a chance - "a republic, if you can keep it" as Franklin once said - and they ran with it. Good for them. For
the week of 10 December 2017 “Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each,
most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest.” - D.S. Mixell For
the week of 3 December 2017 "In the old days, it was not called
the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah'
and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry
Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!' " - Dave Barry For the week of 26 November 2017 "The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in
his own way, by going to the mall of his choice." - Dave Barry
For the week of 19 November 2017 "Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take
twelve minutes. This is not coincidence."
For the week of 12 November 2017 "When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship." - Dick Gregory
For the week of 5 November 2017 “I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than
I am.” - Bernard M. Baruch
For the week of 29 October 2017 "On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me." - Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 22 October 2017 "My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor." - Bowden Wyatt
For the week of 15 October 2017 "I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation." - Bob Devaney
For the week of 8 October 2017
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.” —Joan Rivers For the week 1 October 2017 Ohio State's Urban Meyers on one of his players: "He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."
For the week of 24 September 2017 "It's important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living." - John McDowell
For the week of 17 September 2017 "If you stop eating doughnuts, you will live three years longer. But it's just three more years that you'll want a doughnut." - Lewis Black
For the week of 10 Sept 2017 “One of the worst days in America’s history saw
some of the bravest acts in Americans’ history. We’ll always honor the heroes of 9/11. And here at this hallowed
place, we pledge that we will never forget their sacrifice.”
For the week of 3 August 2017
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.” - Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 27 August 2017 “You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh, about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around three miles.' ” - Jerry Seinfeld For the week of 20 August 2017
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
- Margaret Mead For the week of 13 August 2017
“It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.” —Comedian John McDowell For the week of 6 August 2017 “My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.” - Wendy Liebman
For the week of 30 July 2017 "It's embarrassing that people don't know one country from another on a map. Don't they teach geometry anymore?" - Bob Moher
For the week of 23 July 2017 "The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for steak to cook." - Julia Child
For the week of 16 July 2017 “As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.” - Adam Joshua Smargon For the week of 9 July 2017
For the week of 2 July 2017 Happy 4th!
For the week of 25 June 2017 “Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.”
- David Frost
For the week of 18 June 2017 "I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother." - Rita Rudner
For the week of 11 June 2017 “My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.” - Rita Rudner For the week of 4 June 2017 "Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think he can respond with a great deal of pride and satisfaction ... I served in the U. S. Navy." - John F. Kennedy
For the week of 28 May 2017 "Some people spend an entire life time wondering if they made a difference in the world. The U.S. Armed Forces don't have that problem." -Ronald Reagan
For the week of 21 May 2017 “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.” – Steven Wright
For the week of 14 May 2017 "If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?" - Milton Berle
For the week of 7 May 2017 “For every
set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.”
For the week of 30 April 2017 "When I was a child my father
attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks."
For the week of 23 April 2017 "The only reason for time is so that everything doesn't happen all at once." - Albert Einstein
For the week of 16 April 2017 "The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes." - Albert Einstein
For the week of 9 April 2017 "I don’t
want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get
by.”
For the week of 2 April 2017 “I'm a naval officer--- a real naval officer. Not a graduate of the Naval Academy.” - Steve Bannon
For the week of 26 March 2017 “My therapist
told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms
and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
For the week of 19 March 2017 “We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.” For the week of 12 March 2017 “The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.”
For the week of 5 March 2017 “My kitchen
floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.”
For the week of 26 February 2017 "How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery' ?" - Jay Leno
For the week of 19 February 2017 "Here's some advice. At a job interview, tell them you're willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician." - Adam Gropman
For the week of 12 February 2017 "Why do we need change? Aren't things bad enough as they are?" - Lord Salisbury
For the week of 5 February 2017 The 5th was Paul and Diana's 39th Anniversary! They reminisce ...
PAUL - I think the day we met was the luckiest day of my life!
For the week of 29 January 2017 “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.” - Stewart Francis
For the week of 22 January 2017 “I always knew it would be a cold day in hell when I became president.” —William Howard Taft. When he was inaugurated in 1909, a blizzard hit Washington DC with 10 inches of snow
For the week of 15 January 2017 "A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid."
- Lesley Wake
For the week of 8 January 2017 "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." - Jeff Valdez For the week of 1 January 2017 “Never make predictions, especially about the future.” - Casey Stengel
For Christmas week, 25 December 2016 "Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind." - Mary Ellen Chase
For the week of 18 December 2016 "Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn't come from a store." - Dr. Seuss
For the week of 11 December 2016 "You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker." - Zach Galifianakis
For the week of 4 December 2016 "The future ain't what it used to be." - Yogi Berra
For the week of 27 November 2016 "One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, 'Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture of you is when you were younger." - Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 20 November 2016 "Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" - Kenny Rogerson
For the week of 13 November 2016 "I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born." - Ronald Reagan
For the week of 6 November 2016 “I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.” - Billy Corgan
For the week of 30 October 2016 “I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.” - B. J. Novak For the week of 23 October 2016 "Of course I'm right. I'm the damn Captain of this operation. If I'm wrong, I will adjust the situation until I am right." - Andy Sherbo
For the week of 16 October 2016 “If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?” - Bridger Winegar
For the week of 9 October 2016 “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.” – Emo Philips
For the week of 2 October 2016 "The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one." - Erma Bombeck
For the week of 25 September 2016 "Our faults and failings are not an excuse for failing to be heroic or achieve great things. We can have them and still do amazing things." - Andy Sherbo
For the week of 18 September 2016 (APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE - we had some website issues) "I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms - Truman's and Eisenhower's." – Alex Karras
For the week of 11 September 2016 "Our enemies have made the mistake that America’s enemies always make. They saw liberty and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat." - George W. Bush
For the week of 4 September 2016 "I am a friend of the working man - and I would rather be his friend than be one." -
Clarence Darrow
For the week of 29 August 2016
"Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David." - Shug Jordan
For the week of 22 August 2016
“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.” - Ellie Taylor
For the week of 15 August 2016 “A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.” - Ronnie Corbett
For the week of 8 August 2016 "You can run me,
and you can starve me, and you can beat me, and you can kill me, but don't bore me."
For the week of 1 August 2016 "I got a package in the post last week, and on it, it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?” - Lee Mack For the
week of 25 July 2016 "Talking to yourself
just leads to a lot of arguments." - Rebecca Sawyer
Smith For the week of 18 July 2016 “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.” - Sean Lock For the
week of 11 July 2016 “I said, ‘It's serious doctor, I've broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ” - Tommy Cooper For the week of the 4th of July 2016 "You have to love a nation that celebrates its Independence every July 4,
not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family
picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten,
but it is patriotism." - Erma Bombeck For the week of 27 June 2016 "I once got sacked for laughing. Mind you, I was driving a hearse at
the time.” - Bernard Manning For
the week of 20 June 2016 “A dog will always
look up to you, a cat will always look down on you, but a pig will look you in the eye and see his equal.”- Winston Churchill Enter content here Enter content here Enter content here |
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