For the week of 10 November 2024
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright
For the week of 10 November 2024
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”
– Gertrude Stein
For the week of 3 November 2024
“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce
For the week of 27 October 2024
“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They’re the kind of people who’d stop to help you change a flat, but would somehow manage to set your car on fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy.
“The Republicans, on the other hand, would know how to fix your tire, but they wouldn’t bother to stop because they’d want to be on time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 20 October 2024
“Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 13 October 2024
“If the earth was flat cats would push everything off it.”
– Sign outside a veterinary clinic
For the week of 6 October 2024
“He knows nothing; he thinks he knows everything – that clearly points to a political career.”
– George Bernard Shaw
For the week of 29 September 2024
“Those who can’t laugh at themselves leave the job to others.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 22 September 2024
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
—Graham Norton
For the week of 15 September 2024
“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”
― Epictetus
For the week of 8 September 2024
“Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.”
— P.J. O’Rourke
For the week of 1 September 2024
“I gotta stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ I’m beginning to feel like people are taking it as a challenge.”
– Kevin Hart
For the week of 25 August 2024
“It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”
— Dorothy Zbornak
For the week of 18 August 2024
“He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.”
― Epictetus
For the week of 11 August 2024
“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.”
—Halley Reed
For the week of 4 August 2024
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
—Zach Galifianakis
For the week of 28 July 2024
“If anyone tells you that a certain person speaks ill of you, do not make excuses about what is said of you but answer, ‘He was ignorant of my other faults, else he would not have mentioned these alone.’ ”
― Epictetus
For the week of 21 July 2024
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
—Betty White
For the week of 14 July 2024
“I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn’t explain away afterwards.”
― Rudyard Kipling
For the week of 7 July 2024
“Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.”
– Oscar Ameringer
For the week of 30 June 2024
“If it weren’t for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 23 June 2024
“Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk.”
– Sir Francis Chichester
For the week of 16 June 2024
“It’s a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children.”
– Alan Alda
For the week of 9 June 2024
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 2 June 2024
“My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.”
– J. P. Getty
For the week of 26 May 2024
“Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 19 May 2024
“A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 12 May 2024
“I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 5 May 2024
“In spite of the cost of living, it’s still popular.”
-Kathleen Norris
For the week of 28 April 2024
“My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.”
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 21 April 2024
“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 14 April 2024
“An intellectual solves a problem. A genius avoids it.”
– Albert Einstein
For the week of 7 April 2024
“I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”
– Fred Allen
For the week of 31 March 2024
“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person’s plate.”
– Dave Barry
SORRY FOR THE DELAY! We had some problems updating the website, should be good going forward
For the week of 24 March 2024
“It’s getting late early.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 18 February 2024
“The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.”
-James Branch Cabell
For the week of 11 February 2024
“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.”
– Milton Berle
For the week of 4 February 2024
“Look at yourself – if you had a sense of humor, you would laugh to beat the band.”
– Lorenz Hart
For the week of 28 January 2024
“The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.”
– Dennis Miller
For the week of 21 January 2024
“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 14 January 2024
“My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
– Mike Myers
For the week of 7 January 2024
“You have to remember one thing about the will of the people. It wasn’t that long ago we were swept away by the Macarena.”
– Jon Stewart
For the week of 31 December 2023
“I hate patience. Slows everything down.”
– J.D. Robb
For the week of 24 December 2023
“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.”
– Elf
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone
For the week of 17 December 2023
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.”
– Zach Galifianakis
For the week of 10 December 2023
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
– Caroline Rhea
For the week of 3 December 2023
“I finally watched the documentary on clocks. It was about time.”
– Vince the Sign Guy
For the week of 26 November 2023
“The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”
– Jeff Foxworthy
For the week of 18 November 2023
“I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying ‘flee at once – all is discovered.’ They all left town immediately.”
– Mark TwainFor the week of 12 November 2023
“There are two kinds of people in this world: Those who believe there are two kinds of people in this world and those who are smart enough to know better.”
– Tom Robbins
For the week of 5 November 2023
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.”
-Dave Barry
For the week of 29 October 2023
“I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 22 October 2023
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
– Betty White
For the week of 15 October 2023
“Avoiding stupidity is easier than seeking brilliance.”
– Shane Parrish
For the week of 8 October 2023
“Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by two thirds of college graduates.”
– Maurice Bauvard
For the week of 1 October 2023
“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 24 September 2023
Sad to tell you all that my brother in law, Bruce Gardner, passed away last Sunday. He was a friend for 50 years, and I knew him longer than I have known my wife. He enjoyed road trips, classic cars and, as an artist, he enjoyed both outer and inner beauty. The last days of his life were spent on a road trip in a classic Austin Healey with his wife Donna by his side. God bless you, Bruce.
For the week of 17 September 2023
“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.”
– Ronald Reagan
For the week of 10 September 2023
“Man cannot live by bread alone, he must have peanut butter.”
– James A. Garfield
For the week of 3 September 2023
“Progress just means bad things happen faster.”
– Terry Pratchett
For the week of 27 August 2023
“About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.”
– Herbert Hoover
For the week of 20 August 2023
“As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can’t remember his or her name. This can be very embarrassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 13 August 2023
“Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.”
– Don Marquis
For the week of 6 August 2023
“Instant gratification takes too long.”
-Carrie Fisher
For the week of 30 July 2023
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”
-Lucille Ball
For the week of 23 July 2023
“You probably already know that your friends are all idiots. Let that be a warning to you.”
– Henry Oliver
For the week of 16 July 2023
“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 9 July 2023
“It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.”
– Lisa Lieberman-Wang
For the week of 2 July 2023
“Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 25 June 2023
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 18 June 2023
“If something is going to happen to me, I want to be there.”
– Albert Camus
For the week of 11 June 2023
“Never knock on death’s door. Ring the doorbell then run. He totally hates that.”
– Darynda Jones
For the week of 4 June 2023
“Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie.”
– David Mamet
For the week of 28 May 2023
“I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient’s friends.”
– Bill Watterson
For the week of 21 May 2023
“All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room in silence.”
– Blaise Pascal
For the week of 14 May 2023
“In case of fire, exit building before tweeting about it.”
– Fire safety sign in Twitter office
For the week of 7 May 2023
“If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 30 April 2023
“Whatever you do, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.”
– Bill Murray
For the week of 23 April 2023
“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 16 April 2023
“Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.”
– Peter Drucker
For the week of 9 April 2023
“I have never killed any one, but I have read some obituary notices with great satisfaction.”
– Clarence Darrow
For the week of 2 April 2023
“I don’t really like coffee. But I don’t really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either. “
– Brian Andreas
For the week of 26 March 2023
“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”
– W.C. Fields
For the week of 19 March 2023
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 12 March 2023
“In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 5 March 2023
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 26 February 2023
“My dad used to say that life’s a journey, but somebody screwed up and lost the map.”
– Rachel Caine
For the week of 19 February 2023
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.”
– Will Ferrell
For the week of 12 February 2023
“Only a fool learns from his own mistakes. The wise man learns from the mistakes of others.”
– Otto von Bismarck
For the week of 5 February 2023
“Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.”
– Terry Pratchett
For the week of 29 January 2023
“Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts”
– Jim Morrison
For the week of 22 January 2023
“I’m an atheist – and I thank God for it.”
– George Bernard Shaw
For the week of 15 January 2023
“If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 8 January 2023
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 1 January 2023 – Happy New Year!
“It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”
– Milton Berle
For the week of Christmas 2022 – Merry Christmas everyone!
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”
– Andy Borowitz
For the week of 18 December 2022
“Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.”
– Steve Martin
For the week of 11 December 2022
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
For the week of 4 December 2022
“Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.”
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 27 November 2022
“Inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.”
– Terry Pratchett
For the week of 20 November 2022
“In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.”
– Fran Lebowitz
For the week of 13 November 2022
“Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.”
– Dorothy Parker
For the week of 6 November 2022
“You can’t be sad if you eat a waffle!”
– Lauren Myracle
For the week of 30 October 2022
“Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 23 October 2022
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it’s a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 16 October 2022
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 9 October 2022
“In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.”
– Napoleon Bonaparte
For the week of 2 October 2022
“Money talks. It says goodbye.”
– Don Schwall
For the week of 25 September 2022
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”
– Dennis Wholey
For the week of 18 September 2022
“In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.”
– Benjamin Franklin
For the week of 11 September 2022
“People will tell you it is better to be feared than loved. This will be true a handful of times in your career, but bear in mind that Machiavelli was writing for Renaissance Princes, not for you, and that he was a terrible suck-up who would say anything to get promoted. And that it didn’t work.”
– Henry Oliver
For the week of 4 September 2022
“The Boss says, ‘I’m looking for someone who is honest, reliable and not afraid to work.’ The job applicant replies, ‘Hire me, I’ll help you look!’ ”
– Fred Willard
For the week of 28 August 2022
“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 21 August 2022
“If you don’t know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 14 August 2022
“I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!”
– Tom Lehrer
For the week of 7 August 2022
“I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 31 July 2022
“A party without cake is just a meeting.”
– Julia Child
For the week of 24 July 2022
“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 17 July 2022
“A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the word you first thought of.”
-Burt Bacharach
For the week of 10 July 2022 (delayed one day by IT problem)
“Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.”
– Dame Edna Everage
For the week of 3 July 2022
“I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio. I don’t understand a word they’re saying.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 26 June 2022
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.”
– Lily Tomlin
For the week of 19 June 2022
“My 4-year-old son gave me a handmade card for Father’s Day. Maybe for Christmas I’ll draw him a picture of some toys.”
– Jim Gaffigan
For the week of 12 June 2022
“I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.”
– Demetri Martin
For the week of 5 June 2022 – and 80th anniversary of the Battle of Midway
“Our citizens can now rejoice that a momentous victory is in the making. Perhaps we will be forgiven if we claim we are about midway to our objective.”
-Admiral Chester Nimitz
For the week of 29 May 2022 and Memorial Day
“It is foolish and wrong to mourn the men who died. Rather we should thank God such men lived.”
-George S. Patton
For the week of 22 May 2022
“Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.”
– Benny Hill
For the week of 15 May 2022
“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.”
– John Wilmot
For the week of 8 May 2022 – Happy Mothers Day
“If your kids are giving you a headache, follow the directions on the aspirin bottle, especially the part that says ‘keep away from children’.”
– Susan Savannah
For the week of 1 May 2022
“A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.”
– Bill Vaughan
For the week of 24 April 2022
“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.”
– Marion G. Harmon
For the week of 17 April 2022
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
– Ashleigh Brilliant
For the week of 10 April 2022
“If we’re not supposed to eat animals, how come they’re made out of meat?”
– Tom Snyder
For the week of 3 April 2022
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
– Fred Allen
For the week of 27 March 2022
“If you read a lot of books, you’re considered well-read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you’re not considered well-viewed.”
– Lily Tomlin
For the week of 20 March 2022
“I don’t mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year.”
– Victor Borge
For the week of 13 March 2022
(A lecturer’s response to a heckler asking when he would get to the point.)
“I’m a novelist, so it might take me a few months.”
– Roddy Doyle
For the week of 6 March 2022
”If you don’t mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream.”
– Barry Goldwater
For the week of 27 February 2022
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”
– Jackie Mason
For the week of 20 February 2022
“If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: ‘President Can’t Swim.’”
– Lyndon Johnson
For the week of 13 February 2022
“Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.”
– W. C. Fields
For the week of 6 February 2022
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
– Charles M. Schulz
For the week of 30 January 2022
“If at first you don’t succeed… so much for skydiving.”
– Henny Youngman
For the week of 23 January 2022
“This kid has hundreds of dollars worth of toys. But right now what he wants to do is sit on my foot and hold my leg while I walk around the kitchen.”
– Andy Sherbo
For the week of 16 January 2022
“I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear”
– Martin Luther King Jr.
For the week of 9 January 2022
“If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.”
– Edsger Dijkstra
For the week of 2 January 2022
“I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.”
– Elon Musk
For Christmas 2021
“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.”
– Bill Murray
For the week of 19 December 2021
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.”
– Al McGuire
For the week of 12 December 2021
“Choosing individual stocks without any idea of what you’re looking for is like running through a dynamite factory with a burning match. You may live, but you’re still an idiot.”
– Joel Greenblatt
For the week of 5 December 2021
“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”
– Billy Connolly
For the week of 28 November 2021
“There may be shortage of knowledge but there is no shortage of ignorance.”
– Jordan Peterson
For the week of 21 November 2021
“Sure, I have advice for people starting to write. Don’t. I don’t need the competition.”
– Robert B. Parker
For the week of 14 November 2021
“Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.”
– P. J. O’Rourke
For the week of 7 November 2021
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.”
– Charles de Gaulle
SORRY FOR THE DELAY
We had some website issues for a couple of weeks, but we’re back –
For the week of 31 October 2021
“True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.”
– Kurt Vonnegut
For the week of 10 October 2021
“Half the lies they tell about me aren’t true.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 3 October 2021
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”
– Albert Einstein
For the week of 26 September 2021
“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
– Laurence J. Peter
For the week of 19 September 2021
“I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
– Henny Youngman
For September 11, 2021, and the week of 12 September 2021
“Fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision.”
– Winston Churchill
For the week of 5 September 2021
“However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.”
– Winston Churchill
For the week of 29 August 2021
“Back in the 70s, Bill Wyman and I decided to grow beards, and the effort left us exhausted.”
– Charlie Watts, drummer for the Rolling Stones
For the week of 22 August 2021
“I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.”
– Elvis Presley
For the week of 15 August 2021
“In the end, I am just a guy wearing spandex that turns left really fast.”
– Olivier Jean, Short-track skater
For the week of 8 August 2021
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 1 August 2021
“I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was ‘Shout for help’.”
– Jimmy Carr
For the week of 25 July 2021
“I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.”
– Bill Hicks
For the week of 18 July 2021
“I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.”
– Lewis Black
For the week of 11 of July 2021
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.”
– Flip Wilson
For the week of the 4th of July 2021
“I normally don’t have a burger, a brat, and a steak – but it’s 4th of July. And I need the energy if I’m gonna start blowing crap up. It’s what the founding fathers would want.”
– Jim Gaffigan
For the week of 27 June 2021
“The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.”
– Jay Leno
For the week of 20 June 2021
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ “
– Claude Pepper
For the week of 13 June 2021
“I know only two tunes: one of them is Yankee Doodle and the other isn’t.”
– Ulysses S. Grant
For the week of 6 June 2021
“Inside every 70-year-old is a 35-year-old asking ‘What happened?’ “
– Ann Landers
For Memorial Day weekend 2021
“Ceremonies are important. But our gratitude has to be more than visits to the troops and once-a-year Memorial Day ceremonies. We honor the dead best by treating the living well.”
– Jennifer M. Granholm
For the week of 23 May 2021
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’ “
-Steven Wright
For the week of 16 May 2021
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”
-Rita Rudner
For the week of 9 May 2021
Happy Mothers Day
“I’ve conquered a lot of things … blood clots in my lungs – twice … knee and foot surgeries … winning Grand Slams being down match point … to name just a few, but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller.”
– Serena Williams
For the week of 2 May 2021
“Any time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.”
-Johnny Carson
For the week of 25 April 2021
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”
-Steven Wright
For the week of 18 April 2021
“You’ve got to be original, because if you’re like someone else, what do they need you for?”
– Bernadette Peters
For the week of 11 April 2021
“I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.”
– Nick Offerman
For the week of 4 April 2021
“If, after 50, you no longer hurt somewhere when you get up in the morning, then you’re dead.”
– Pascal Bruckner
For the week of 28 March 2021
“The other teams could make trouble for us if they win.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 21 March 2021
“All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.”
– Frank Zappa
For the week of 14 March 2021
“Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.”
-Ray Romano
For the week of 7 March 2021
“In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
-Terry Pratchett
For the week of 28 February 2021
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
-Joan Rivers
For the week of 21 February 2021
“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”
-Prince William
For the week of 14 February 2021
“The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 7 February 2021 – (apologies for the delay, IT issues)
“If plan “A” doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters – 204 if you’re in Japan.”
– Claire Cook
For the week of 31 January 2021
“I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.”
– Bob Hope
For the week of 24 January 2021
“My girlfriend’s dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid: ‘What I’m going to do with two dead dogs?’”
– Gary Delaney
For the week of 17 January 2021
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
-Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 10 January 2021
“In Washington journalists can afford to live almost as well as people who work for a living.”
– P. J. O’Rourke
For the week of 3 January 2021
“Your diligence is setting an example for all of us-stop it!”
– Neal Stephenson
For the week of 27 December 2020
“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.”
– Maya Angelou
For the week of 20 December 2020
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.”
-Robert Paul
For the week of 13 December 2020
“There are many in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summertime and the poor get it in the winter.”
– Bat Masterson
For the week of 6 December 2020
“If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.”
– George Bernard Shaw
For the week of 29 November 2020
“Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.”
– Leo Tolstoy
For the week of 22 November 2020
“A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn’t find one big enough. She asked the stock boy ‘Do these turkeys get any bigger?’ The stock boy replied, ‘No they’re dead.’ “
– Damien Fahey
For the week of 15 November 2020
“You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.”
– Milton Berle
For the week of 8 November 2020
“It’s important to watch what you eat, at least until you get it inside your mouth. After that it becomes pretty disgusting.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 1 November 2020
“A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.”
– Bill Vaughan
For the week of 25 October 2020
“Weekends don’t pay as well as weekdays but at least there’s football.”
-S.A. Sachs
For the week of 18 October 2020
“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”
– Phyllis Diller
For the week of 11 October 2020
“Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!”
– Steve Martin
APOLOGIES FOR DELAYS due to IT issues – catching up now
For the week of 4 October 2020
“Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future”
– Niels Bohr
For the week of 27 September 2020
“I am only human, although I regret it.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 20 September 2020
“I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible. And I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.”
– Victor Borge
For the week of 13 September 2020
“Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.”
– William Feather
For the week of 6 September 2020
“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”
– Rita Rudner
For the week of 30 August 2020
“Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.”
– Marilyn vos Savant
For the week of 23 August 2020
“A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.”
– Barbara Johnson
For the week of 16 August 2020
“If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 9 August 2020“Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’ “
– Emo Philips
For the week of 2 August 2020
“No man goes before his time-unless the boss leaves early.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 26 July 2020
“How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.”
Spike Milligan
For the week of 19 July 2020
“Having no earthly clue where I’m heading, I’m never lost.”
– Mary Shannon
For the week of 12 July 2020
“If you trust in yourself. . .and believe in your dreams. . .and follow your star. . . you’ll still get beaten by people who spent their time working hard and learning things and weren’t so lazy.”
– Terry Pratchett
For the week of 5 July 2020
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
– W. C. Fields
For the week of 28 June 2020 (Sorry for the delay, IT issues)
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
– Bob Hope
For the week of 21 June 2020
“Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard.”
– Margaret Culkin Banning
For the week of 14 June 2020
“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 7 June 2020
“Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.”
– Sam Levenson
For the week of 31 May 2020
“The first time I sang in the church choir, two hundred people changed their religion.”
– Fred Allen
For the week of 24 May 2020
“I don’t believe in astrology. I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
For the week of 17 May 2020
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’ ” – Conan O’Brien
For the week of 10 May 2020
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 3 May 2020
“Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken.”
– Oscar Wilde
For the week of 26 April 2020
“My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.”
– Bill Murray
For the week of 19 April 2020
“If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side.”
– Stuart Turner
For the week of 12 April 2020
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
– Navjot Singh Sidhu
For the week of 5 April 2020
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ “
– Tommy Cooper
For the week of 29 March 2020
“Nothing motivates a man’s actions like a strict ban.”
– Andrzej Majewski
For the week of 22 March 2020
“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.”
– Doug Larson
For the week of 15 March 2020
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
– Miles Kington
For the week of 8 March 2020
“I can’t complain, but sometimes I still do.”
– Joe Walsh
For the week of 1 March 2020
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
For the week of 23 February 2020
“The best measure of a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It’s the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.”
– Arthur C. Clarke
For the week of 16 February 2020
“What have future generations ever done for us?”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 9 February 2020
“It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.”
– Andy Borowitz
For the week of 2 February 2020
“Never judge a book by its movie.”
-JW Eagan
For the week of 26 January 2020
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember; you wouldn’t have a job if he was smarter.”
– Albert Grant
For the week of 19 January 2020
“What’s another word for Thesaurus?”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 12 January 2020
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly – to someone else.”
– Ann Landers
For the week of 5 January 2020
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 29 December 2019
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 22 December 2019
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 15 December 2019
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 8 December 2019
“I never said most of the things I said.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 1 December 2019
“I have some very personal feelings about politics, but I don’t get into it because I do comedy already.”
– Jerry Lewis
For the week of 24 November 2019
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
– Steve Martin
For the week of 17 November 2019
“Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 10 November 2019
“This nation will remain the land of the free only as long as it is home of the brave.”
– Elmer Davis
For the week of 3 November 2019
“Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.”
– Samuel Goldwyn
For the week of 27 October 2019
“I don’t know that there are real ghosts and goblins, but there are always more trick-or-treaters than neighborhood kids.”
-Robert Brault
For the week of 20 October 2019
“One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.”
– Franklin P. Jones
For the week of 13 October 2019
“I never did very well in Math. I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn’t meant my answers literally.”
– Calvin Marshall Trillin
For the week of 6 October 2019
“We are all here on Earth to help others. What on Earth the others are here for I don’t know.”
– W.H. Auden
For the week of 29 September 2019
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 22 September 2019
“There’s only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 15 September 2019
“To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the ‘C’ students, I say you too may one day be President of the United States.”
– George W. Bush
For the week of 8 September 2019
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”
– Robert Orben
For the week of 1 September 2019
“I’m trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.”
– Jim Loy
For the week of 25 August 2019
“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep the house.”
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
For the week of 18 August 2019
“Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 11 August 2019
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
– Anne Bancroft
For the week of 4 August 2019
“Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn’t admit he’d forgotten the code. He turned himself in.”
– Rita Rudner
For the week of 28 July 2019
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.”
-Zig Ziglar
For the week of 21 July 2019
“My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I throw angry birds at pig houses.”
– Bill Murray
For the week of 14 July 2019
“If you let your head get too big, it’ll break your neck.”
– Elvis Presley
For the week of 7 July 2019
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken.”
– James Dent
For the week of the Fourth of July
“America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.”
– Arnold Joseph Toynbee
For the week of 23 June 2019
“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for.”
– Will Rogers
For the week of 16 June 2019
“Remember: What dad really wants is a nap. Really.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 9 June 2019
“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”
– Rita Rudner
For the week of 2 June 2019 – 75th Anniversary of D-Day, 6 June 1944
“Lieutenant Welsh remembered walking around among the sleeping men, and thinking to himself that ‘they had looked at and smelled death all around them all day but never even dreamed of applying the term to themselves. They hadn’t come here to fear. They hadn’t come to die. They had come to win.’ “
– Stephen E. Ambrose
For the week of 26 May 2019
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.”
– Red Skelton
For the week of 19 May 2019
“An apple a day, if well aimed, keeps the doctor away.”
– P. G. Wodehouse
For the week of 12 May 2019
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”
– Phyllis Diller
For the week of 5 May 2019
“You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times.”
– Ike Taylor
For the week of 28 April 2019
“In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.”
– Albert Einstein
For the week of 21 April 2019
“Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco.”
– Will Rogers
For the week of 14 April 2019
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.”
– Jules Renard
For the week of 7 April 2019
“If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.”
– Dick Cavett
For the week of 31 March 2019
“The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”
– George Jessel
For the week of 24 March 2019
“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 17 March 2019
“Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.”
– Daryl Stout
For the week of 10 March 2019
“I don’t kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, ‘Whoa, I’m way too high!’ “
– Bruce Baum
For the week of 3 March 2019
“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
– Michael McShane
For the week of 24 February 2019
“Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.”
– Karl Lagerfeld
For the week of 17 February 2019
“I’m paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.”
– Richard Lewis
For the week of 10 February 2019
“You must pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please ignore this notice.”
– Sam Levenson
For the week of 3 February 2019
“We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads.”
– Vlade Divac
For the week of 27 January 2019
“Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”
– Dennis Wholey
For the week of 20 January 2019
“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
For the week of 13 January 2019
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 6 January 2019
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.”
– Kurt Vonnegut
For the week of 30 December 2018
“New Year’s Day now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 23 December 2018
“I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.”
– Charles Dickens
For the week of 16 December 2018
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 9 December 2018
“I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.”
– Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 2 December 2018
“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.”
– Calvin Trillin
For the week of 25 November 2018
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”
– Matt Groening
For the week of 18 November 2018
“Store security stopped my wife at the door for trying to steal a butterball turkey. I had to show ID proving I’m not a butterball turkey.”
– Just Bill
For the week of 11 November 2018
Veterans Day,100th Anniversary of the end of World War I
“All of these things about America – the independent spirit; freedom and liberty to think, express, and act; the promise of the potential for prosperity – have all been delivered to American citizens by our Founders and Framers, and secured by American Soldiers, Sailors, and Airmen.” (And Marines.)
– Daniel Rundquist
For the week of 4 November 2018
“We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.”
– Will Rogers
For the week of 28 October 2018
“Last Halloween was bad for me. I got beat up. I went to a party dressed as a piñata.”
– Jim Samuels
For the week of 21 October 2018
“I live in my own little world. But its OK, they know me here.”
– Lauren Myracle
For the week of 14 October 2018
“I’ve never allowed my schooling to get in the way of my education.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 7 October 2018
“Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did.”
– Jimmy Durante
For the week of 30 September 2018
“Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
– George Burns
For the week of 23 September 2018
“I have no desire to listen to The Temptations. Which is kind of weird.”
– Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 16 September 2018
“My favorite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.”
– Groucho Marx
For the week of 11 September 2018
“Those whose lives were lost on September 11 will remain in our thoughts and prayers forever.”
– Vito Fossella
For the week of 2 September 2018
“You know what burns me? Matches.”
– Jay London
For the week of 26 August 2018
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 19 August 2018
“Why is it so hard for a leopard to hide? Because he’s always spotted.”
– RD.com
For the week of 12 August 2018
“I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 5 August 2018
“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
– Emo Philips
For the week of 29 July 2018
“I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.”
– John Peel
For the week of 22 July 2018
“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”
– Will Rogers
For the week of 15 July 2018“
A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 8 July 2018
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
– Ralph Bus
For the week of 31 June 2018
“Liberty means responsibility. That is why most men dread it.”
– George Bernard Shaw
For the week of 24 June 2018
“Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.”
– Hubert Humphrey
For the week of 17 June 2018
“Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it”
– Dr. Thomas Sowell
For the week of 10 June 2018
“When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.”
– Mark Twain
For the week of 3 June 2018
“Skim milk is just water lying about being milk.”- Ron Swanson
For the week of 27 May 2018 and Memorial Day
“Each of the patriots whom we remember on this day was first a beloved son or daughter, a brother or sister, or a spouse, friend, and neighbor.”- George H. W. Bush
For the week of 20 May 2018
“The dark night of fascism is always descending in the United States – and yet lands only in Europe.”
– Tom Wolfe
For the week of 13 May 2018 – Happy Mother’s Day!
“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are cheese.”
– Luis Bunuel
For the week of 6 May 2018
“I’ve often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress.”- George W. Bush
For the week of 29 April 2018
“You have seen me at my worst and stuck with me – and you’ve seen me at my best and chuckled in disbelief.”- General Eric Shinseki, addressing his wife at his 2003 retirement from the US Army
For the week of 22 April 2018
“If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.”
– Lawrence Ferlinghetti
For the week of 15 April 2018
“Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 8 April 2018
“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?”
– Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of April Fools 2018
“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”- Albert Einstein
For the week of 25 March 2018
“If you cannot answer a man’s argument, all is not lost. You can still call him vile names.”- Elbert Hubbard
For the week of 18 March 2018
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”- Billy Sunday
For the week of 11 March 2018
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the heck she is.”- Ellen DeGeneres
For the week of 4 March 2018
“Someday we’ll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.”
– Evan Davis
For the week of 25 February 2018
“A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it is written on.”- Samuel Goldwyn
For the week of 18 February 2018
“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” – Winston Churchill
For the week of 11 February 2018
“Get the facts first. You can distort them later.”- Mark Twain
For the week of 4 February 2018
“Diplomacy is the art of telling people to go to hell in such a way that they ask for directions.”- Winston Churchill
For the week of 28 January 2018
“Life isn’t fair. It’s just fairer than death, that’s all.”
– William Goldman, “The Princess Bride”
For the week of 21 January 2018
“If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.”- John Kenneth Galbraith
For the week of 14 January 2018
“Love your enemies. It makes them so damn mad.”- P.D. East
For the week of 7 January 2018
“Maybe fear is God’s way of saying, ‘Pay attention, this could be fun.’ “- Craig Ferguson
For the week of 1 January 2018
“I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.”- W.C. Fields
For the week of 25 December 2017 – Christmas week
“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.”
– Donald E. Westlake
For the week of 17 December 2017
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.”- Andy Borowitz
BONUS FOR THIS WEEK – Victory in Iraq: We gave the Iraqis a chance – “a republic, if you can keep it” as Franklin once said – and they ran with it. Good for them. http://www.nationalreview.com/ article/454655/isis-defeated- why-does-no-one-care
For the week of 10 December 2017
“Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest.”
– D.S. Mixell
For the week of 3 December 2017
“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’ “- Dave Barry
For the week of 26 November 2017
“The holiday season: a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.”- Dave Barry
For the week of 19 November 2017
“Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.“
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 12 November 2017
“When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.”
– Dick Gregory
For the week of 5 November 2017
“I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.”
– Bernard M. Baruch
For the week of 29 October 2017
“On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.”
– Rodney Dangerfield
For the week of 22 October 2017
“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.”
– Bowden Wyatt
For the week of 15 October 2017
“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”
– Bob Devaney
For the week of 8 October 2017
“I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.”
—Joan Rivers
For the week 1 October 2017
Ohio State’s Urban Meyers on one of his players: “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”
For the week of 24 September 2017
“It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.”
– John McDowell
For the week of 17 September 2017
“If you stop eating doughnuts, you will live three years longer. But it’s just three more years that you’ll want a doughnut.”
– Lewis Black
For the week of 10 Sept 2017
“One of the worst days in America’s history saw some of the bravest acts in Americans’ history. We’ll always honor the heroes of 9/11. And here at this hallowed place, we pledge that we will never forget their sacrifice.”
—President George W. Bush at the Pentagon in 2008
For the week of 3 August 2017
“It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 27 August 2017
“You can measure distance by time. ‘How far away is it?’ ‘Oh, about 20 minutes.’ But it doesn’t work the other way. ‘When do you get off work?’ ‘Around three miles.’ ”
– Jerry Seinfeld
For the week of 20 August 2017
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.”
– Margaret Mead
For the week of 13 August 2017
“It’s important to have a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my good friends would still be living.”
—Comedian John McDowell
For the week of 6 August 2017
“My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M’s, Jujubes, SweeTarts. I don’t think they wanted a child; I think they wanted a piñata.”
– Wendy Liebman
For the week of 30 July 2017
“It’s embarrassing that people don’t know one country from another on a map. Don’t they teach geometry anymore?”
– Bob Moher
For the week of 23 July 2017
“The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for steak to cook.”
– Julia Child
For the week of 16 July 2017
“As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.”
– Adam Joshua Smargon
For the week of 9 July 2017
Happy Bastille Day!
“How can anyone govern a nation that has 240 different kinds of cheese?”
– Charles de Gaulle
For the week of 2 July 2017
Happy 4th!
“Let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and success of liberty.”
– John F. Kennedy
For the week of 25 June 2017
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.”
– David Frost
For the week of 18 June 2017
“I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”
– Rita Rudner
For the week of 11 June 2017
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.”
– Rita Rudner
For the week of 4 June 2017
“Any man who may be asked in this century what he did to make his life worthwhile, I think he can respond with a great deal of pride and satisfaction … I served in the U. S. Navy.”
– John F. Kennedy
For the week of 28 May 2017
“Some people spend an entire life time wondering if they made a difference in the world. The U.S. Armed Forces don’t have that problem.”
-Ronald Reagan
For the week of 21 May 2017
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
For the week of 14 May 2017
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
– Milton Berle
For the week of 7 May 2017
“For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.”
– Allan Sherman
For the week of 30 April 2017
“When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.”
—Stewart Francis
For the week of 23 April 2017
“The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen all at once.”
– Albert Einstein
For the week of 16 April 2017
“The hardest thing in the world to understand is income taxes.”
– Albert Einstein
For the week of 9 April 2017
“I don’t want to brag, but I do speak pig Latin; I mean, I’m not fluent, but I’m sure if I ever went there, I could get by.”
– Bonnie McFarlane
For the week of 2 April 2017
“I’m a naval officer— a real naval officer. Not a graduate of the Naval Academy.”
– Steve Bannon
For the week of 26 March 2017
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
– Dave Barry
For the week of 19 March 2017
“We have always found the Irish a bit odd. They refuse to be English.”
– Winston Churchill
For the week of 12 March 2017
“The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.”
– Mike Birbiglia
For the week of 5 March 2017
“My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it. So finally I went out and bought some slippers.”
– Sarah Silverman
For the week of 26 February 2017
“How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’ ?”
– Jay Leno
For the week of 19 February 2017
“Here’s some advice. At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
– Adam Gropman
For the week of 12 February 2017
“Why do we need change? Aren’t things bad enough as they are?”
– Lord Salisbury
For the week of 5 February 2017
The 5th was Paul and Diana’s 39th Anniversary! They reminisce …
PAUL – I think the day we met was the luckiest day of my life!
DIANA – Me too!
PAUL – You think it was your luckiest day, too?
DIANA – No, that it was YOUR luckiest day.
For the week of 29 January 2017
“I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; It was riveting.”
– Stewart Francis
For the week of 22 January 2017
“I always knew it would be a cold day in hell when I became president.”
—William Howard Taft. When he was inaugurated in 1909, a blizzard hit Washington DC with 10 inches of snow
For the week of 15 January 2017
“A watched pot never boils, but it does get paranoid.”
– Lesley Wake
For the week of 8 January 2017
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
– Jeff Valdez
For the week of 1 January 2017
“Never make predictions, especially about the future.”
– Casey Stengel
For Christmas week, 25 December 2016
“Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.”
– Mary Ellen Chase
For the week of 18 December 2016
“Maybe Christmas, the Grinch thought, doesn’t come from a store.”
– Dr. Seuss
For the week of 11 December 2016
“You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.”
– Zach Galifianakis
For the week of 4 December 2016
“The future ain’t what it used to be.”
– Yogi Berra
For the week of 27 November 2016
“One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture of you is when you were younger.”
– Mitch Hedberg
For the week of 20 November 2016
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
– Kenny Rogerson
For the week of 13 November 2016
“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.”
– Ronald Reagan
For the week of 6 November 2016
“I’ve moved on to other things. Obviously I love rock ’n’ roll, and I love music, but it’s nice to be in a world like professional wrestling, where I’m treated like a normal person.”
– Billy Corgan
For the week of 30 October 2016
“I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.”
– B. J. Novak
For the week of 23 October 2016
“Of course I’m right. I’m the damn Captain of this operation. If I’m wrong, I will adjust the situation until I am right.”
– Andy Sherbo
For the week of 16 October 2016
“If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?”
– Bridger Winegar
For the week of 9 October 2016
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
– Emo Philips
For the week of 2 October 2016
“The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.”
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 25 September 2016
“Our faults and failings are not an excuse for failing to be heroic or achieve great things. We can have them and still do amazing things.”
– Andy Sherbo
For the week of 18 September 2016
(APOLOGIES FOR BEING LATE – we had some website issues)
“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”
– Alex Karras
For the week of 11 September 2016
“Our enemies have made the mistake that America’s enemies always make. They saw liberty and thought they saw weakness. And now, they see defeat.”
– George W. Bush
For the week of 4 September 2016
“I am a friend of the working man – and I would rather be his friend than be one.”
– Clarence Darrow
For the week of 29 August 2016
“Always remember Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.”
– Shug Jordan
For the week of 22 August 2016
“My wedding was like a fairy tale. It wasn’t magical; it’s just that I’ve got an ugly sister.”
– Ellie Taylor
For the week of 15 August 2016
“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”
– Ronnie Corbett
For the week of 8 August 2016
“You can run me, and you can starve me, and you can beat me, and you can kill me, but don’t bore me.”
– Chesty Puller
For the week of 1 August 2016
“I got a package in the post last week, and on it, it said, ‘Please don’t bend.’ So how was I supposed to pick it up?”
– Lee MackFor the week of 25 July 2016“Talking to yourself just leads to a lot of arguments.”- Rebecca Sawyer Smith
For the week of 18 July 2016 “A bit of advice: never read a pop-up book about giraffes.”
– Sean LockFor the week of 11 July 2016
“I said, ‘It’s serious doctor, I’ve broken my arm in 20 places.’ He said: ‘Well stop going to those places.’ ”
– Tommy CooperFor the week of the 4th of July 2016“You have to love a nation that celebrates its Independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”
– Erma Bombeck
For the week of 27 June 2016“I once got sacked for laughing. Mind you, I was driving a hearse at the time.”
– Bernard Manning
For the week of 20 June 2016 “A dog will always look up to you, a cat will always look down on you, but a pig will look you in the eye and see his equal.”
– Winston Churchill